The Grand Cham's Diamond: A Play in One Act

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 64562 *** REPERTORY PLAYS, No. 44 THE GRAND CHAM’S DIAMOND Entered at the Library of Congress, Washington, U.S.A. The performing rights of this play are fully protected. All applications for permission to perform “The Grand Cham’s Diamond” in the British Empire (except Canada) must be addressed to Mr Allan Monkhouse, Meadow Bank, Disley, Cheshire. For permission to perform in America and Canada, to The Baker International Play Bureau, 41 Winter Street, Boston, Mass. The fee for each and every representation of the play by amateurs in the British Empire (except Canada) is one guinea; in America and Canada, five dollars. These sums are payable in advance, and no performance may take place unless a written permission has first been obtained. The terms for performance by professionals can be ascertained on application. THE GRAND CHAM’S DIAMOND A PLAY IN ONE ACT BY ALLAN MONKHOUSE GOWANS & GRAY, LTD., LONDON AND GLASGOW THE BAKER INTERNATIONAL PLAY BUREAU BOSTON, U.S.A. 1924 Printed in Great Britain by Turnbull & Spears, Edinburgh CHARACTERS MRS PERKINS MR PERKINS MISS PERKINS A MAN IN BLACK ALBERT WATKINS _This play was first produced at the Birmingham Repertory Theatre on September 21, 1918, by Mr John Drinkwater, with the following cast:_ Mrs Perkins . CATHLEEN ORFORD Mr Perkins . REGINALD GATTY Miss Perkins . SIDNEY LEON A Man in Black . NOEL SHAMMON Albert Watkins . J. ADRIAN BYRNE THE GRAND CHAM’S DIAMOND SCENE: _A sitting-room in a small house in a London suburb. The window is in the wall to the left of the spectator and the door in the right half of the back wall. The furniture is ordinary. On the chimneypiece, to the right of the spectator, is a clock. The room is lit by electric light. It is some time after the evening meal. Mr Perkins is reading a newspaper. Mrs Perkins is darning a sock, and Miss Perkins is engaged upon a jigsaw puzzle._ MRS PERKINS What I mean t’ say is that it’s not much fun for us. MR PERKINS All right, Ma. MISS PERKINS (_Engaged on her puzzle._) Bother! MRS PERKINS It makes a long evenin’ of it. Same every night. We ’ave our tea and then we just set down till it’s time to go to bed. It’s not fair. MR PERKINS Same for all of us. MRS PERKINS That it’s not. MR PERKINS Why isn’t it? MRS PERKINS Do y’ or do y’ not go out o’ this ’ouse every mornin’ and spend the day out? MR PERKINS It’d be a poor job for you if I didn’t. MRS PERKINS I don’t say anythin’ about that. I don’t interfere. MR PERKINS ’Ow could y’ interfere? MISS PERKINS Bother! MRS PERKINS Don’t interrup’ like that when me and your pa’s talkin’, Polly. MISS PERKINS My name isn’t Polly. MR PERKINS What is it? MISS PERKINS It’s Marie. MR PERKINS Well, I’m blowed! MRS PERKINS An’ why shouldn’t she ’ave a bit of a change? She’s tired of bein’ Polly. MISS PERKINS I do think we might have a little more change. MR PERKINS Don’t you start. MISS PERKINS We might have gone out to the pictures to-night, as Mother said. MR PERKINS Your young man might ’ave come and found you out. MISS PERKINS You know he’s engaged in the evenings. MR PERKINS Yes, and what at? MISS PERKINS Never mind! MRS PERKINS I do think, Polly, that he ought to be a bit more open with you. What _does_ he do? MR PERKINS Ay; what does Albert Watkins do? MISS PERKINS Never you mind! MRS PERKINS ’E’s never told ’er. MR PERKINS I ’ope it’s nothin’ to be ashamed of. MISS PERKINS P’raps I know more than you think. MRS PERKINS ’As ’e said? MISS PERKINS It’s confidential. MR PERKINS Oh! I know that tale. MRS PERKINS Well, Polly’s got ’er young man and you’ve got your business an’ out all day seein’ people. What ’ave I got? MR PERKINS Well, what should y’ ’ave? What does any woman ’ave? I dunno what you’re botherin’ about. Y’ ’ad a week at Margate this year. MRS PERKINS (_Derisively_.) ’Ome from ’ome! MR PERKINS A good woman ought to like ’er ’ome. MRS PERKINS I never said I didn’t like it. MR PERKINS Well---- MRS PERKINS ’Ome’s a place to come back to. MISS PERKINS Mother’s romantic. That’s what she is. MRS PERKINS What _is_ that, Polly? It’s a word I never rightly---- MR PERKINS Romantic! At ’er age! MRS PERKINS You know what it is, do y’? MR PERKINS It’s penny dreadfuls and the pictures and gassin’ about love and the deep blue sea. MRS PERKINS Well, y’ might do worse. MR PERKINS Whatever’s come over ’er? MRS PERKINS I’ve always thought I should like to travel. MISS PERKINS (_At her puzzle._) I think there’s a bit missing. MRS PERKINS Eh? A bit missin’? That’s the way with me; there’s always bin a bit missin’. MR PERKINS I dunno why y’re startin’ like this now. Y’ve ’ad all these years to settle down in. What’s come over yer? MRS PERKINS Eh! Don’t ask me. I think ’er Albert’s comin’ about ’as unsettled me. MISS PERKINS Albert! MRS PERKINS Well, I see ’im an’ you and I think what might ’a’ been. MR PERKINS What’s that? MRS PERKINS Well, I was young onct. MR PERKINS But y’re not now. MRS PERKINS You’ve no call to throw it in m’ teeth. MR PERKINS Teeth indeed! MRS PERKINS Don’t be insultin’, Mr Perkins. MR PERKINS I wasn’t bein’. MRS PERKINS Yes, y’ was. MISS PERKINS I don’t see why Albert should unsettle you. MRS PERKINS If I was you I’d want to know ’ow ’e spends ’is evenings. MISS PERKINS It’s no business of yours, Ma. MR PERKINS It’ll be some bus’ness of mine. I think it’s about time Albert spoke to me. MISS PERKINS Spoke to you? MR PERKINS Placed ’is position an’ prospects before me. MISS PERKINS Well, I believe he’s a confidential agent. MRS PERKINS A what! MR PERKINS What sort of a’ agent? MISS PERKINS It’s confidential--or financial p’raps. MR PERKINS He’s kiddin’ yer. MRS PERKINS Do they work at night? MISS PERKINS I’ve always understood that Rothschilds and people like that did this business at parties--on the quiet. MR PERKINS Bosh! MISS PERKINS Oh, very well, Pa. [_Miss Perkins settles to her puzzle. Mrs Perkins darns stolidly. Mr Perkins returns to the paper. A short pause._ MRS PERKINS Well, it’s too late for the movies now. MISS PERKINS Ah! That’s it. [_She finds the missing bit._ MRS PERKINS What’s in the paper, Pa? MR PERKINS There’s a Cabinet crisis. MRS PERKINS Isn’t there anythin’ interestin’? MR PERKINS ’Ere’s a child stole a shillin’ an’ swallowed it t’ escape detection. MRS PERKINS Poor thing! MR PERKINS ’Ere! Is this more in your line? Great Jewel Robbery! The Grand Cham’s Diamond missing. MRS PERKINS Eh! What’s that? MISS PERKINS Who is the Grand Cham? MR PERKINS ’E’s--one o’ them Eastern potentates. ’E’s been stayin’ at the Majestic Hotel. The dimond was taken out of the settin’ and a walnut substituted. MRS PERKINS A walnut! It must be a whopper. MISS PERKINS Why did they substitute a walnut? MR PERKINS You must substitute somethin’. MISS PERKINS Why? MR PERKINS I don’t know. They always do. The brightest treasure of the East. Not the slightest trace. Supposed Asiatic gang. Sherlock Holmes and Father Brown have been summoned and a telegram despatched to Mossier Lecock. MRS PERKINS (_With satisfaction._) Well, that’s somethin’ like. MISS PERKINS What’s it worth? MR PERKINS Eh! I dunno. Thousands, thousands. They say it makes the Koh-i-noor take a back seat. MRS PERKINS Reelly? MR PERKINS What ’ud you do, old lady, if I brought it ’ome for y’r birthday? MRS PERKINS Well, I’d wear it, I s’pose. MISS PERKINS You’d never dare, Ma. MRS PERKINS I would that. MISS PERKINS But thieves’d always be after it. MRS PERKINS What ’d these thieves do with it when they’ve got it? MR PERKINS I s’pose they chop it up and sell it in bits. MRS PERKINS What a shame! MR PERKINS I dessay they’re off to South America. MRS PERKINS Why? MR PERKINS No extrydition. MRS PERKINS What’s that? D’ y’ mean last ’dition extra? MISS PERKINS No, Ma. It means that thieves can’t be turned out. MRS PERKINS Why not? MR PERKINS It’s like it used to be with slaves here. Once the South American flag’s waved over ’em, they’re all right. MISS PERKINS It isn’t all one country there, Pa. MR PERKINS Well, I reckon they’re much of a muchness. MRS PERKINS An’ could you sell it there? MR PERKINS Yes, they’re great people for jewl’ry. MRS PERKINS Polly, you’re doin’ nothin’. Y’ might as well be mendin’ that blind. MISS PERKINS Oh, bother! MRS PERKINS It looks bad hangin’ down like that. MISS PERKINS (_Going towards the window._) People’ll see in. MRS PERKINS There’s not many passin’ at this time o’ night. MISS PERKINS It makes it so public. (_She takes the blind from the lower part of the window and begins to mend it._) Where’s the white thread, Ma? MRS PERKINS Here y’ are. Now, make a job of it. [_Mr Perkins has returned to his paper, his daughter is more or less intent on her work, Mrs Perkins darns and yawns. Mr Perkins snores gently._ MRS PERKINS Might as well all be asleep. MISS PERKINS Listen, Ma! MRS PERKINS Somebody runnin’. Seem in an ’urry. [_Something crashes through the window and falls with broken glass upon the floor._ MISS PERKINS Good gracious! MRS PERKINS Mercy on us! MR PERKINS (_Waking up_.) Fire! Where is it? MRS PERKINS Nonsense, Pa! It’s them boys. Out arter ’em. MR PERKINS What! Where? MISS PERKINS No. Don’t go. Don’t leave us. It can’t be boys. MR PERKINS (_Seeing the broken window._) This is very careless, Polly. MISS PERKINS It wasn’t me. It’s a stone, I think. MRS PERKINS They’re far enough now. Where is it? MISS PERKINS I’m all of a tremble. MRS PERKINS You ought to ’ave run right out, Pa, and you might ’ave caught ’em. I never did see such a thing. MR PERKINS It’s an outrage, this is. Did y’ see anybody? MRS PERKINS We ’eard somebody runnin’. MISS PERKINS I thought I ’eard somebody passing after that. Quietly like. Runnin’ very light. MR PERKINS Nonsense, Polly. Better put that blind up now. MISS PERKINS You put it up. MR PERKINS Do as I tell you. MISS PERKINS I don’t like. MRS PERKINS ’Ere, ’ere. Give it me. [_She puts it up and peers out into the street._ MISS PERKINS Come away, Ma. MR PERKINS Where’s the stone? [_They all look about the floor._ MISS PERKINS Here it is. Here’s something. (_She picks it up._) Why! it’s a lump of glass. MR PERKINS Let’s look! MRS PERKINS Let me see. [_They crowd round._ MR PERKINS I say! MISS PERKINS What is it? What is it? MRS PERKINS Give it me, Polly. [_She grabs it._ MR PERKINS Hold it up to the light. MISS PERKINS Why! What can it be? MRS PERKINS (_Relinquishing it to her husband._) Nonsense! Nonsense! [_She goes back to her chair and begins to fumble with her darning. She is greatly agitated._ MR PERKINS It’s a rum thing, this is. MISS PERKINS Eh! Isn’t it beautiful? MR PERKINS It might be a---- MISS PERKINS Diamond? MR PERKINS Nonsense! MRS PERKINS (_Rushing forward._) Hide it! [_She seizes the diamond and looks about the room._ MISS PERKINS Why! What d’ y’ mean, Ma! MRS PERKINS It’s it. MR PERKINS (_Feebly._) What’s it? MRS PERKINS You know. MR PERKINS What--what--what rubbish! The idea! MRS PERKINS (_Looking at it in her palm._) It’s the Grand Cham’s dimond. MR PERKINS Then it’s dangerous. MRS PERKINS Never mind that. MISS PERKINS What shall we do? [_She begins to whimper._ MRS PERKINS Stop that, Polly. MR PERKINS P’raps we’d better look out for a policeman. MRS PERKINS No. MR PERKINS If it is it we’re not safe. MRS PERKINS I don’t care. MR PERKINS But what d’ y’ want to do? MRS PERKINS Here! Let’s put it inside the clock. (_She opens the back of the clock and crams it in._) Now! MR PERKINS What are y’ up to, Ma? MISS PERKINS I wish you’d throw it out in the street again. MRS PERKINS No, no. MR PERKINS But what _are_ y’ up to? MRS PERKINS It’s come to us, this ’as. We’ll stick to it if we can. MR PERKINS But---- MISS PERKINS Oh, Ma! MRS PERKINS They may not find the ’ouse again. They’re all alike in this street. MR PERKINS There’s the broken window. MRS PERKINS Let’s ’ave the bits of glass out. Then it won’t be noticed. [_She peers out into the street. Then she begins to pluck the fragments of broken glass from the window. She winces and licks her finger._ MR PERKINS You’ve cut yourself now. MRS PERKINS Never mind that. Polly, pick all the bits off the floor. Don’t leave a trace. [_She licks her finger. Polly obeys._ MR PERKINS Now, what’s all this about? MISS PERKINS (_On the floor._) I dunno what’s come over ’er. MRS PERKINS ’Ere, Polly, look alive. ’Ave y’ got ’em all? MISS PERKINS All I can find. MRS PERKINS Drat it! A bit’s fallen outside. Go out and pick it up, Pa. No; p’raps better not. MR PERKINS Look here! What’s y’r game? MRS PERKINS Give here! (_She takes all the fragments together and puts them under the sofa cushion. She looks round the room, listens at the window and returns to her darning_.) If anyone comes, mind we know nothin’ about it. MR PERKINS It depends ’oo comes, doesn’t it? MRS PERKINS No. MR PERKINS It might be the police. MRS PERKINS Never mind the police. MR PERKINS Why! What d’ y’ mean? What _do_ y’ mean? MRS PERKINS It’s the chanct of a lifetime. We’ll take it. MISS PERKINS Oh, Ma! MR PERKINS Look ’ere---- MRS PERKINS It’s come to us. It might a’ bin the answer to a prayer. MR PERKINS Was it? MRS PERKINS Not exactly, but I’ve been thinkin’ a lot. MR PERKINS More likely the devil. MRS PERKINS There’s no such thing. Y’re talkin’ nonsense. MR PERKINS No devil. Then is there God? MRS PERKINS There may be. ’E may ’av sent it. MR PERKINS It’s awful talk, this. MISS PERKINS Why! What could you do with it? MRS PERKINS Chop it up and sell it. MR PERKINS Where? MRS PERKINS In South America. MR PERKINS Good ’eavens! MISS PERKINS Ma, how can you? MR PERKINS ’Ave y’ took leave of y’r senses? MRS PERKINS Yes, if y’ like. MR PERKINS Well, I’ve ’eard tell as women aren’t honest like men and now I know it. MRS PERKINS ’Ow do I know you’re honest? MR PERKINS I’ve never took a thing in my life. I’ve a record, ’aven’t I? MRS PERKINS I dessay. I dunno. I won’t give it up. I won’t. I won’t. So there! MR PERKINS ’Ow can y’ ’elp it? MRS PERKINS I’ve sat there darnin’ and mendin’, waitin’ and dozin’ till I’m tired. I’ve never ’ad a go at anythin’. The chanct ’as come. MISS PERKINS I did think you were honest, Ma. MRS PERKINS Honest! It’s ours. MR PERKINS ’Ow can it be? MRS PERKINS ’Oo’s is it? MR PERKINS Why! That Grand Cham’s. MRS PERKINS An’ ’ow did ’e get it? ’E’s a tyrant. ’E stole it off some nigger. Now it’s come to me. It’s mine. It’s mine as much as anyone’s. It’s come like a miracle. MISS PERKINS But you can’t keep it. MR PERKINS Y’r ma amazes me. MRS PERKINS First thing in the mornin’ y’ll get a list o’ them ships sailin’ for South America. MISS PERKINS Oh, Ma! Ma! MR PERKINS She’s off ’er chump. MRS PERKINS I’ll go alone if y’ like. MR PERKINS It’s dangerous. It’s dangerous. There may be a revolver levelled at y’ now. MRS PERKINS I don’t care. MR PERKINS I never knew she was like this. MISS PERKINS South America? Where? MRS PERKINS Y’ shall ’ave jewels and dresses no end, Polly. MISS PERKINS Don’t, Ma. MR PERKINS South America! Like that chap Jabez Balfour. MISS PERKINS He was brought back, wasn’t he? MR PERKINS I object to be put along of ’im, any’ow. MRS PERKINS We’d manage better than that. Riches! Livin’ at ease. Motors an’ champagne. We’ve never ’ad a chanct! MR PERKINS It can’t be done. It’s all nonsense. An’ it’s ’orrible to think of. MRS PERKINS Oh! It’s a beautiful thing. I couldn’t bear to break it up. We’ll keep it. We’ll look at it now and then. Every Sunday. MR PERKINS Sunday! MRS PERKINS I could go on settin’ ’ere if I knew it was there all the time. I think I could be ’appy. MISS PERKINS You’d never be safe. MRS PERKINS Safe! I’ve bin too safe. MR PERKINS Oh, missis! Oh, missis! MISS PERKINS It’s strange nobody’s come. MRS PERKINS Nobody’s comin’. It’s a gift. MR PERKINS It may not be--what y’ think. MRS PERKINS (_Fiercely._) It is. MR PERKINS Then they’ll be after us. Police--or worse. MRS PERKINS Let ’em come. [_There is a ring at the door-bell. They all stand tense._ MR PERKINS Now, there. MISS PERKINS Oh, dear! MRS PERKINS You’ll not say a word. You’ll do as I tell you. Mind that. We know nothing. MISS PERKINS There’s the window. MRS PERKINS Leave that to me. MR PERKINS Oh! But, I say---- MRS PERKINS Thomas Perkins, you’ll rue it to your dyin’ day if---- [_The ring again._ MR PERKINS Who’s goin’? MRS PERKINS I am. Remember! [_She goes out._ MISS PERKINS What are we to do, Pa? MR PERKINS Eh! I’m beat. MISS PERKINS Shall we throw it out of the window? MR PERKINS No, no. Best not. Humour her a bit. It may be nothin’. MRS PERKINS (_Outside._) No, you don’t. ’Ere. I tell yer---- STRANGER Excuse me. MRS PERKINS Pa, ’ere’s a man forcin’ ’is way---- MISS PERKINS Oh, dear! MR PERKINS Dash it all! I say! [_Mrs Perkins and a dark Stranger, dressed in black, enter together. She is resisting his advance, but he presses on ruthlessly. As he enters she gives way and changes her tactics._ MRS PERKINS Well, I must say! Pushin’ a lady about like that! What bis’ness ’ave y’ ’ere? STRANGER I’ve told you, madam. MRS PERKINS A fine tale! Y’r boy an’ ’is glass marble! Where is ’e? I tell yer we know nothin’ about it. Do we, Pa? [_Behind the Stranger, with a terrific frown, she shakes her fist at him._ MR PERKINS (_Feebly blustering_.) Now what’s all this? MISS PERKINS Oh, Ma! MRS PERKINS Shut up! STRANGER I’m sorry to intrude, sir, but I’ve lost something in your room. MRS PERKINS What nonsense! ’Ow could yer? STRANGER As I have told this lady, my little boy---- MRS PERKINS Where is ’e? STRANGER (_To Mr Perkins_.) His favourite glass marble. He pretended to throw it. It slipped from his hand and, I am sorry to say, went through your window. I apologise and shall be glad to pay. Please give me the--marble at once. Where is it? I’ve no time to lose. MRS PERKINS Where’s the boy? STRANGER He’s just round the corner. MRS PERKINS D’ y’ expect us to believe that tale? STRANGER (_With a flash of menace._) You’d better. (_To Mr Perkins_.) Now, sir! MR PERKINS It’s a bit thick, y’ know; I mean thin. STRANGER It will have to do. No trifling. Come! [_He is looking about the room, having cursorily glanced at the floor. He strides to the window and pulls down the blind._ MRS PERKINS None o’ y’r liberties here. Get out! MR PERKINS ’Ere, y’ know! _(Aside to Mrs Perkins_.) Ma, I don’t like it. STRANGER The devil! Where’s the glass? MRS PERKINS What glass? STRANGER The pane’s gone. You see! I knew this was the house. MRS PERKINS That’s easy explained. MISS PERKINS Oh, Ma! Tell him and---- MRS PERKINS Of course I’ll tell ’im. (_She menaces Miss Perkins surreptitiously_.) It’s my daughter’s newfangled ideas of ventilation. She would ’ave it so. It’s been that way a fortnight. No--let’s see--to-day’s Tuesday. Nigh on a month. STRANGER Damnation! Where is it? Where’s the diamond? MRS PERKINS (_With a shriek of exultation._) The diamond! STRANGER Yes, let me tell you then. Your lives are in danger. You’ve got the Grand Cham’s diamond. MR PERKINS ’Ow did it get ’ere? STRANGER The thief was pursued. He threw it in. MR PERKINS (_Querulously._) Why did ’e throw it in ’ere? STRANGER Don’t be a fool. MRS PERKINS An’ ’oo are you? STRANGER I am--the Grand Cham’s representative. MRS PERKINS Prove it. STRANGER Enough of this. [_He draws a revolver. Miss Perkins shrieks. Mr Perkins recoils and edges away. Mrs Perkins stands firm._ MR PERKINS Ma! Ma! STRANGER (_Rapping the butt of the revolver on the table._) Where is it? MRS PERKINS I’ll tell yer. STRANGER At once. MRS PERKINS I’ve swallered it. STRANGER (_Greatly discomposed._) What! MRS PERKINS It went down as easy as a oyster. STRANGER Swallowed it! You’re joking! MRS PERKINS No. I got the idea out of the evenin’ paper. Where is it, Pa? ’Ere. “Child swallows Shillin’. Curious Case.” STRANGER (_To the others_.) Is this true? MISS PERKINS Oh, I don’t know. MR PERKINS Y’ see, I was asleep. STRANGER Asleep! MR PERKINS Wasn’t I, Mother? MRS PERKINS ’E’d sleep through anythin’. STRANGER D’ you mean to say----? Where is it? MRS PERKINS I’ve just told yer. STRANGER On your oath---- MRS PERKINS Oath! D’ y’ doubt the word of a lady? STRANGER Then--d’ you feel it--I mean--whereabouts is it now? MRS PERKINS I don’t think that’s a question a gentleman ’d ask. STRANGER Kites of hell! You’ll have to be cut open. MRS PERKINS Nay, I won’t. STRANGER (_To himself._) Cremation? Would it melt the diamond? MRS PERKINS I won’t be cremated. There! Y’ ’ve to get the deceased’s consent. I’m goin’ to be buried when my time comes. STRANGER (_Pacing about in agitation while Mrs Perkins controls the others by nods and winks._) What’s to be done? An emetic? MRS PERKINS You’d better go ’ome an’ say it’s lost. STRANGER Unhappy woman! Do you understand that your life is a trifle, a pawn in the game? MRS PERKINS Pawn! Yes, an’ y’ can’t get it out without the ticket. STRANGER It’s impossible. It can’t be. (_He turns on the others._) The truth! Did she swallow it? If she did, she dies. MISS PERKINS Oh, no, no. She didn’t. MRS PERKINS You silly! MISS PERKINS Oh, Ma! MR PERKINS Ma, Ma, what can we do? MRS PERKINS Y can ’old y’r tongues. Y’re no ’elp at all. STRANGER What folly this is! What can you do with it? That diamond means death to you. Death! Destruction! You haven’t a chance of keeping it. You’re mad. Your lives now are not worth a minute’s purchase. MISS PERKINS Give it up, Ma. I’ll tell you where it is. It’s---- MRS PERKINS (_In a terrible voice._) Stop! MR PERKINS What can you do, Ma? Chuck it! Chuck it! MRS PERKINS ’E don’t bluff me. ’E’s in a great ’urry. I believe ’e’s the thief. STRANGER Thousand devils! We’re wasting time. (_He looks at the clock and then plucks out his watch._) Your clock’s slow. It’s stopped. It was that time when I came in. MISS PERKINS Tell him. Tell him. MR PERKINS Oh, chuck it! STRANGER (_Perceiving that he is getting “warm.”_) What stopped the clock? MISS PERKINS (_Hysterically._) Give it ’im. MRS PERKINS Polly, I’m ashamed of yer. [_A face appears at the window, but they do not see it._ STRANGER Is it there? [_He makes for the clock, and Mrs Perkins throws herself in front._ MRS PERKINS No, it’s not; and y’ shan’t meddle with my furniture. STRANGER (_Pointing the revolver at her_.) Move aside! MRS PERKINS Move aside yerself. STRANGER (_He hesitates, then turns the revolver on Miss Perkins._) Is it there? Quick! [_Miss Perkins shrieks, a hand with a revolver in it is thrust through the empty pane, the revolver is fired, the Stranger drops his, stamps, curses, and wrings his hands. A man opens the window-sash and springs into the room._ MISS PERKINS Albert! MRS PERKINS What! It’s Albert. [_The Stranger rushes to the switch and turns off the light. Darkness, shouting, and confusion. The light is turned on. The furniture is disarranged, the Stranger and the clock have gone, the others are distributed about the room, Mrs Perkins sitting in the chair she first occupied._ ALBERT Who’s got it? MR PERKINS He’s gone. MISS PERKINS Oh! Albert! ALBERT Where’s the diamond? MR PERKINS It was in the clock. ALBERT The clock? Where is it? MISS PERKINS Oh! Albert! MR PERKINS ’E’s taken it. ’E’s got the clock. MRS PERKINS Nay, ’e ’asn’t. [_She produces the clock from under her petticoats._ MR PERKINS Well, I’m blowed! MISS PERKINS Oh, Ma! ALBERT What is it? Have you got it? MRS PERKINS I’ve got it right enough. [_She carries the clock to the chimneypiece, opens it, and takes out the diamond._ Will that gentleman come back? ALBERT No, he won’t. MRS PERKINS How d’ y’ know? ALBERT I know. MRS PERKINS Polly, just put that blind back, will yer? I don’t like bein’ too public. MISS PERKINS Oh! I daren’t. ALBERT Now, ma’am, give it to me. MRS PERKINS Eh? ALBERT Let’s have it. Quick. MRS PERKINS Where d’ you come in, Albert? ALBERT Come on. This’ll be the making o’ me. MRS PERKINS O’ me too, I ’ope. But ’adn’t we all better be movin’? MISS PERKINS Where to, Ma? MRS PERKINS Out at the back door. Pack a few things in a bag. ALBERT What are y’ up to? Whad’ y’r mean? MRS PERKINS Now, Albert, there’s no time to make explanations. We’re all in at this, aren’t we? ALBERT Well--in a way. But look here---- MRS PERKINS South America’s the place, isn’t it? D’ y’ know anythin’ o’ the sailin’s! Or ’ad we better cross to France? Better take the midnight train somewhere. ALBERT Has she gone dotty? MRS PERKINS Y’re all asleep. Come on, Polly. A few things in a bag. Now, Pa. Better put this light out p’raps. Is the front door shut? Look at the time-table, Pa. [_She is making for the door when Albert intercepts her._ ALBERT Give me the diamond. I dunno what y’re talkin’ about. MRS PERKINS Nay, I stick to this. ALBERT You can’t! What nonsense! Give it here! This job’s the making o’ me. Let’s have it. MRS PERKINS Nay, it’s mine an’ I’ll stick to it. ALBERT Yours! MRS PERKINS Yes. Dimonds like this belongs to them as can get ’em. Nobody’s honest with things like this. I got it an’ y’ shall all share. But it’s mine. It’s mine. Eh! It’s a beauty. I’d stick to this if all the p’lice in London was after me. ALBERT Y’d do what? MRS PERKINS Ay, an’ Scotland Yard too. ALBERT Bah! _I_’m Scotland Yard. MRS PERKINS What! MISS PERKINS Oh! Albert! ALBERT Didn’t y’ know? Didn’t y’ guess? Didn’t y’ understand? What did y’ take me for? MRS PERKINS D’y mean to say----? ALBERT I mean t’ say it’s ’igh time I was on my way back with this dimond. The gang’s all rounded up by this time. MISS PERKINS The gang? MR PERKINS That feller was one of ’em, then? Where is he? ALBERT He was copped when he left ’ere. Y’ didn’t know y’r ’ouse was surrounded. MRS PERKINS But ’ow did the dimond come ’ere? ’Oo threw it in? ALBERT I did. MISS PERKINS You! MR PERKINS You did! ALBERT I did that. MR PERKINS Why? ALBERT Becos they were after me. I was a dead man if I stuck to it then. I threw it in ’ere to gain time and knowin’ the ’ouse. MISS PERKINS Well, I never! ALBERT They’re a desp’rate lot. MR PERKINS It’s all most unusual. Never since I’ve been an ’ouse’older ’ave I---- MISS PERKINS Oh, Albert! You might ’ave told me. ALBERT I ’ad my reasons. MRS PERKINS Y’re a detective, then? ALBERT I am that. So let’s ’ave it. I tell yer I must be off. MRS PERKINS (_Holding up the diamond, but away from him._) Look at it, Albert! ALBERT I see it. MRS PERKINS Can y’ be honest? Look at it! ALBERT She’s off ’er chump. MR PERKINS She doesn’t reelly mean it. I’ve borne a ’igh character all my life. MRS PERKINS (_Passionately._) It’s _my_ dimond. MISS PERKINS I’m ashamed of my ma. MR PERKINS My employers ’as always put the utmost confidence in me. ALBERT What’s she up to? Now ma’am, you’ll just ’and that over or---- MRS PERKINS Or? ALBERT (_He produces a whistle._) I wouldn’t ’andle yer myself. MRS PERKINS That’s it, is it? ALBERT That’s it. MRS PERKINS Then let it go the way it came. [_She throws it through the window._ MR PERKINS ’Old on. There’s another pane gone! ALBERT O ’ell! [_He rushes out._ MISS PERKINS You’ll ruin us, Ma. MRS PERKINS (_Dusting one hand against the other._) A good shuttance. MISS PERKINS (_At the window._) Oh! I hope he’ll find it. There he is, and a policeman’s with him. They’ve got it, I think. Yes. Albert, Albert! I wish he’d look up. They’re seeing if it’s damaged. There! He’s waved his hand. MRS PERKINS (_She has settled into her chair_.) Well, we’ve ’ad quite a busy evenin’. MISS PERKINS I don’t know what Albert’ll think of you. MRS PERKINS ’E’s not going to marry me, thank ’eaven. MR PERKINS D’ y’ want t’ know what _I_ think of yer? MRS PERKINS Go on! Y’ve no ’magernation. MISS PERKINS I never thought to be ashamed of my own mother. MR PERKINS Wantin’ in the very el’ments of morality. I wonder ’ow Sossiety ’d get on if they was all like you. MRS PERKINS Polly, put up that blind. It’s a bit chilly with them broken panes. MISS PERKINS Most unladylike as well. [_They settle down into their chairs again. Mrs Perkins takes up her darning and Mr Perkins the paper. After putting up the blind Miss Perkins returns to her puzzle._ MRS PERKINS ’Ow much did y’ say it was worth, Pa? MR PERKINS (_Gruffly._) Never mind. MRS PERKINS Well, I ’ad my bit o’ fun for onct. CURTAIN Transcriber’s Note This transcription is based on the 1924 edition published by Gowans & Gray in London and Glasgow. Scanned images of a copy made available by the Bodleian Library are posted by Google: https://books.google.com/books?id=B2MVAAAAQAAJ The following changes were made to the printed text: --The formatting of stage directions following lines—that is, those that begin with an opening square bracket—has been standardized. --Pg 34: _As he enters she gives way and changes her tactics_—Added a period to the end of the sentence. --Pg 37: Prove it—Added a period to the end of the line. *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 64562 ***