Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, July 2, 1892

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14787 *** PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 102. July 2, 1892. OPERATIC NOTES. [Illustration: Ancient Brass-Work, in memory of Wagner the Great Worker in Brass.] _Wednesday._--WAGNER. Vainly the Daughters of the River, representing the floating capital of the Banks of the Rhine, cry "Woa! Woa!" The orchestra, under the direction of Herr MAHLER, takes no notice of them, but goes on Wagnerianly, inexorably. Thus swimmingly we reach Walhall--where the fire-god _Loge_ has a _logement_ with very heavy insurance. _Wotan_ and _Loge_ in search of the gold. Then we meet the _Nibelungs_ and the _Nibelights_, all livers under a water-cure system; and then--it's like a musical nightmare--_Alberich_ changes himself into a toad and is towed off as a prisoner. _Fafner_ settles _Fasolt_ by a drum-head Court Martial, so that _Fafner_ gets the golden honey, and _Fasolt_ gets the whacks--and--please, Sir, I don't know any more--but some of the music is running river-like and lovely, more is puzzling, and much of it must remind Sir DRURIOLANUS of the rum-tum-tiddy-iddy-iddy-um-bang-whack of a great Drury Pantomime. House full; Duke and Duchess of EDINBURGH, with Princess MARIE and Crown Prince of ROUMANIA, enjoying themselves Wagnerially and Rou-manically. _Saturday.--Le Prophète._ JOHN DE RESZKÉ not up to his usual form as the Sporting Prophet; but his little Brother EDWARD, and Messieurs MONTARIOL and CASTELMARY, first-rate as the three conspiring undertakers. Madame DESCHAMPS-JÉHIN, as _Fides_, very fine. "House," also, very fine, and large. * * * * * THE BONES OF JOSEPH. [Illustration] Dear _Mr. Punch_,--When writing to a Journal of light and leaders--or misleaders--last Friday, I kept "a little bit up my sleeve," so to speak, for the Brightest, Lightest, and Leadingest of all papers yclept the one, Sir, that bears your honoured name. After quoting from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Holloway (not _in_ Holloway) on June 17, 1885, as a gentle reminder to Mr. GOSCHEN--_their_ "Mr. G."--I observed, "Perhaps, however, there are reasons why the 'Egyptian Skeleton' prefers to forget the speeches of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN in 1885." It struck me that, having already an Egyptian Skeleton, we might have as its companion a Brummagem Skeleton, which everyone can see through, and this sketch I beg to submit to you, _pro bono publico_. Always, _Mr. Punch_, your most obedient "subject" (artistically), W.V. H-RC-RT. * * * * * THE FÊTE OF FLORA. [Illustration: First Prize--Love among the Roses.] Were it not that the salutation were infelicitous, we should have said, "Hail, all hail!" to the _Fête_ at the Botanical Gardens, Regent's Park, last Wednesday. Besides, they have always an Aquarius of the name of WATERER on the premises, whose Rhododendrons are magnificent. So we didn't say "All hail!" and there was not a single drop, of rain, or in the attendance, to damage a charming show which has so often been spoilt by the drop too much that has floored many a _Fête_ of Flora. Nothing could have been prettier. Flowers of speech are inadequate to describe the scene. "Simply lovely!" is the best epitome of praise. * * * * * LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. _The Look-out, Sheepsdoor, Kent_. DEAR MR. PUNCH, Ascot has been too much for me! What with the excitement of racing all day, and bézique half the night--(another sign of the times; women no longer "play for love," but "love to play!")--to say nothing of the constant strain on one's nerves as to what the weather was going to do to one's gowns, I have had a severe attack of overwork, with complicating symptoms of my old enemy, idleness!--so that, on my return to town, my Doctor--(he's a _dear_ man, and prescribes just what I suggest)--insisted that I should at once run down to the Seaside to recuperate. Hence my retirement to the little fishing village of Sheepsdoor in Kent, "far from the gadding crowd;" a most delightfully rural and little-known resort, where we all go about in brown canvas-shoes--(russia-leather undreamt of!)--and wear out all our old things, utterly regardless of whether we look "_en suite_" or not. The only precaution _I_ take is to carry in my pocket a thick veil, which I pop on if I see anybody with evidences of "style" about them coming my way; fortunately, this has only happened once, when I met a certain well-known "Merry Duchess" and her charming little daughter, who both failed to penetrate my disguise! I am sorry that my selected horse for the Windsor June Handicap did not run--though the word of command was given, "_Macready_!"--he was not told to be "present!"--being presumably short of a gallop or two, and therefore lacking "fire!" This little series of jokes is proudly dedicated to the _Military_, and _Civilians_ are "warned off!"--which is another turf expression. The much-needed rain has come at last, and the Heath should be in fine condition, which was more than its namesake at Ascot was, and all for want of a little attention--I am told that the far end was all in lumps, which caused the "_Lover_" to come down in his race--though that was hardly a surprise, as we know that "the course of true love never _did_ run smooth!" Now--dear _Mr. Punch_, if you want a few hours' fresh air, command the special train, which I am told, is kept in readiness for you at every London Terminus, to transport you--(not for your _country's_ good, but _your own_)--to Sheepsdoor, Kent, where you shall receive a hearty welcome--Lord ARTHUR is not with me, but my French maid will _chaperon_ us--_if necessary_. Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. STUD PRODUCE SELECTION. To a Circus in Lancashire, once I went, To see a performing dog dance! But, my money in vain I found I'd spent, For I much prefer a "_Clog Dance_." * * * * * THE TWO SARAS OF THE SEASON.--SARA BERNHARDT and SARA SATE. * * * * * [Illustration: UNA AND THE BRITISH LION. A CARTOON FROM A BIRMINGHAM COLLECTION.] _Whereto a Brummagem Bard hath set these Spenserian Stanzas._ [Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, in his Election Address, explains how he has co-operated with the Conservative Government in order to maintain the Union between Great Britain and Ireland.] The lyon would not leave her desolate, But with her went along as a strong gard Of her chast person, and a faithfull mate Of her sad troubles and misfortunes hard; And over her he kept both watch and ward, With the assistance of two valiant knightes, Prince ARTHURE, and the Red Crosse Paladin, A pair of brotherlie and doughtie wightes, Though erst had they indulged in mutual flouts and spites. For loe! a divelish dragon didde infest That region, and fair UNA strove to slay. Her to protect from that prodigious pest, The Red Crosse Knight--who lived out Midland way-- Didde, with Prince ARTHURE, travel day by day, And prodded up that lyon as they strode, With their speare pointes, as though in jovial play, To holde fair UNA, who her safety owed, Unto the puissant beaste whereon she proudlie rode. Anon they heard a roaring hideous sound That all the ayre with terror filled wyde, And seemed uneath to shake the stedfast ground; Eftsoones that dreadful dragon they espyde, Where stretcht he lay upon the sunny side Of a great hill, himself like a great hill: But, all so soone as he from far descryde Those glistering knights banded in right good will, He rous'd himselfe full blyth, and hastned them untill. Then badd those knightes fair UNA yede aloof, Whiles they attacked that dragon side by side, And put the issue to stern battaille's proof; "We'll give this Big Green Bogey beans!" they cryde, That Red Crosse Knight of Brummagem in his pride, And brave Prince ARTHURE of the shining crest. But if victoriously their blades they plied, Or, baffled by the dragon, gave him beste,-- Why, that the barde will sing _after_ the battaille's teste! * * * * * [Illustration: "THROUGH DARKEST LAMBETH."] POLITICS. (_BY A CONFUSED CITIZEN._) What a state we'll soon be in! Such a clamour, such a din, Raised from Kew to Dalston, Cork to Cromer, Wight to Wick! Seeking votes through thin and thick, GLADSBURY and SALSTONE! Talk and chatter, speech and cry! Some assert, then some deny In a near or far shire; Call each other names and laugh, Jeer and chuckle, joke and chaff-- DEVONCOURT and HARSHIRE! Still they come and still they go; Up and down, and high and low, Many more than those four. Speak in Council, speak in House, Think not yet of golf or grouse, BALBERY and ROSEFOUR. Rush and canvass up and down, Village, hamlet, city, town, Stately street or poor lane; Start committees, advertise, Think of rousing party cries, CHAMBERLEY and MORLAIN! Such a fidget, such a fuss! There is no escape for us; We shall have it shortly. How I wish that both would go Off to Bath or Jericho, SALFOURLAIN, GLADCOURTLEY! * * * * * "Cave Kanem!"--"If," Dr. KANE is reported to have said at the Ulster Appeal Meeting in St. James's Hall, last Wednesday, "If they (the Ulster Irishmen) had to choose between arbitrary oppression and an appeal for justice to the God of battles, he (Dr. KANE) had no more doubt than he had about his existence, that that appeal would be made, and that God would defend the right." With the saving clause adroitly introduced into the last sentence, everyone, except an Atheist, will agree; and, but for this, this speech reads as an incentive to Civil War, intended to stir up brother against brother to fight to the death. Such sentiments may, in the future, be remembered as marked with "the brand of KANE." * * * * * A Difficulty.--_Mr. Dick_ was unable to keep, "King Charles the First's head" out of his literary work. So Our OSCAR, it is said, has been unable to keep the head of St. John the Baptist out of his play, _Salomé_, accepted by SARAH. Hence difficulty with licenser. The real truth, we believe, is that the head, according to received tradition, should be brought in by _Salomé_ "on a charger," and SARAH protests against this, as she is not an equestrian. * * * * * A New Songstress.--Mr. CUSINS, on Wednesday last, accompanying SCHUMANN, RUBINSTEIN, & Co., may fairly be described as "CUSINS German." A very successful Concert, musically notable, among many notable things, for the _début_ of Miss GWLADYS WOOD, who, being vociferously encored, gave a Tyrolean Volkslied, or "VOKES' Family" dance and song, playing the accompaniment herself. "She ought to do well."--I quote SHAKESPEARE, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, the Musician, who sang a _duo_ with Mme. VALDA. The Concert commenced with a "Septette (By DESIRE)." This is a new Composer. * * * * * [Illustration: The Beadle with the German Reeds' Staff.] An Afternoon with Those who "Entertain" More than Anyone in London.--"_Charity Begins At Home_" or rather it begins at the GERMAN REEDS,' _after_ CORNEY GRAIN has finished his amusing "Vocal Recital." Then it is that never-failing Charity begins, and goes as well as ever. ALFRED REED is immensely funny, especially when disguised as a Charity Girl. On no account miss the Grain of Chaff's capital French version of CHEVALIER's Coster song about "_'Arry 'Awkins_." It's lovely! Excellent entertainment for everybody at St. George's Hall. * * * * * Doctor O'Letters.--_July 6th_.--Not "D.C.L." but "honorary degree of Doctor of Letters," is to be conferred by Dublin University on HENRY IRVING, for masterly management of vast correspondence. Let Oxford follow suit with a "Postmastership of Merton." Dr. L. O'TOOLE says, "I'm satisfied with 'L.L.L. Three Stars,' and plenty of it." * * * * * THE HORSE-EDUCATOR. (_A SKETCH AT SYDENHAM._) SCENE--_An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace.--The Arena is thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light American waggon. There is a small steam-engine at one side, with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus, and a bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead opposite. From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining these ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter a Portly Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows to the audience, and is but faintly applauded, owing to a disappointed sense that the ideal Horse-trainer would not tame in a tall hat. However, he merely appears to introduce Professor NORTON B. SMITH, who, turning out to be a slender, tall man, in a slouch hat, black velveteen coat, breeches, and riding boots, is received with enthusiasm._ _The Professor_ (_with a slight Transatlantic accent_). The first animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer, afraid Of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost _anything_, in fact. Bring out Number One, boys. (_To a tall Groom and a short one, who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over a drum, to the general delight. The horse who is afraid of almost anything is brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defying any_ Professor _to cure_ him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious, he's only Nervous. [Illustration: "The short Groom falling over a drum."] [_The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and lashes out by way of contradiction._ _Paterfamilias, in audience_ (_who has a spoilt horse at home_). Just what I always say about _Tartar_--it's nerves, not vice. _His Eldest Daughter._ Shall you send him here to be cured, Father? _Paterf._ No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I shall able to take _Tartar_ in hand myself, I have no doubt. _The Prof._ (_instructively_). It is natural For a Horse when frightened at anything in Front of him, To jump Backwards, and when frightened at anything Back of him, To jump Forwards. (_Applause, in recognition of the accuracy and observation of this axiom._) Now I will show you my method Of correcting this Tendency by means Of my double Safety Rope and driving Rein, without Cruelty. Always Be Humane, Never causing any Pain if you Possibly can Help it. Fetch that Harness. (_The short Groom trips again, but so elaborately as to be immediately recognised as the funny man of the performance, after which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The Professor shouts, "Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this suggestion, emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being attached to the animals forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much to his surprise and indignation_.) Never use the word "Woa!" Only when you mean your horse To stop. Woa! (_horse down again, intensely humiliated_.) If you mean him just To go quiet, say "Steady!" and teach him The difference Of the words. Never afterwards Deceiving him. (Paterf. _makes a note of this on Tartar's account._) Steady ... Woa! (_Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling that he is the victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally, Professor says "Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to take the hint._) _Paterf._ Wonder where I could get that apparatus--just the thing for _Tartar_! _His Daughter_. But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said "Woa!" you know, and _that_ wouldn't do! _Paterf._ Um! No. Never thought of that. _Prof._ I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (_The two Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals, at which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that his lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big drum to be beaten on his head with patient disgust._) _The Daughter_. You might try _that_ with _Tartar_, Father. You could have the dinner-gong, you know. _Paterf._ (_dubiously_). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have the same effect, my dear. _Prof._ (_who has vaulted on the horse's back_). I will now make him familiar With an umbrella. (_Opens it suddenly; horse plunges_.) Now, Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella--vurry good one too--it isn't going to hurt you; look at it! [_He waves it round the animal's head, and finally claps it over his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that he may have been prejudiced._ _Daughter._ It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could hide in the shrubbery with parasols, and jump out at him. _Paterf._ Not while _I'm_--Well, we must see what your _Mother_ says about that. [_Begins to wish he had come alone._ _Prof._ (_introducing another horse_). This animal is a confirmed Kicker. We'll give him a little tinware, just to amuse him. (_Some tin pans and bells are attached to the animal's tail, but, perceiving that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness makes him decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner._) Hang on more tinware, boys! Some persons here may feel Disappointed that he Doesn't kick. Remember--that is not My Fault. They can't be too vicious to please me. (_The Horse sees his way to score, and after bearing various trials in a spirit of Christian resignation, leaves the Arena, consoled by the reflection that no one there got much fun out of_ him, _at all events. A Jibber is brought in; the Professor illustrates his patent method of teaching him to stand while being groomed, by tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and the rope in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involuntary waltz, after which he mounts him and continues his discourse._) Now it occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go down G. Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E. Street, and he generally _does_ go up it too! _A Sister_ (_to her Brother_). ROBERT that's just like the horse _you_ rode that last time, isn't it? [_ROBERT doesn't answer, fervently hoping that his Sister's Pretty Friend has not overheard this comment._ _The Prof._ Well, the way to overcome that is just to turn the animal round--so--several times till he gets dizzy and forgets where E. Street is, and then he says to himself, "I guess I'd better go wherever the gentleman wants!" _The Sister._ ROBERT's horse turned round and round like that--_didn't_ he, ROBERT? [ROBERT _turns rather red and grunts._ _Her Pretty Friend._ And then did he go where your brother wanted him to? _The Sister._ Oh yes, at last. (_ROBERT breathes more freely._) Only without ROBERT. [_ROBERT wonders bitterly why on earth a fellow's Sisters should try to make him out a regular muff like this._ [_Two more horses are brought out, put in double harness in the light waggon, and driven round the Arena by the Professor. A steam whistle is let off over their heads, whereupon they rear and plunge, and back frantically, the Professor discoursing unperturbed from the waggon. After a few repetitions of this, the horses find the steam-whistle out as a brazen impostor, and become hardened sceptics from that moment. They despise the Comic Groom when he prances at them with a flag, and the performance of the Serious Man on the cymbals only inspires them with grave concern on his account. The bundle of coloured rags is let down suddenly on their heads, and causes them nothing but contemptuous amusement; crackers bang about their heels--and they pretend to be pleased; the Funny Groom (who is, by this time, almost unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's back and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained by his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this, they are unharnessed and sent back to their boxes--a pair of equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this earth._] _The Prof._ (_concluding amidst loud applause_). Ladies and Gentlemen, I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me, and that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to send him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge. _Paterf._ I shall have _Tartar_ sent here--less trouble than trying the methods myself--and safer. _Prof._ And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse. _The Daughter_. There, you see, Father, some of the taming will _have_ to be done at home! _Paterf._ (_who doesn't quite see himself dancing about_ Tartar _with a drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back_). Well, TOPPIN will take the horse over, and he'll be here and see how it's done. I can't be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do! _The Daughter_. I wish you would. I'm sure _Tartar_ would rather _you_ tamed him than TOPPIN! [_Paterf. while privately of opinion that this is not unlikely, sees no necessity to consider his horse's preferences in the matter_. * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. _House of Commons, Monday, June 20_.--Black Rod got up little joke to-night by way of relieving the weight of these mournful parting moments. As soon as House met, word went round that, in absence of Mr. G., and other Leaders of the Opposition, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE intended to take Prince ARTHUR in hand, and insist on his making clean breast of date of Dissolution. A Royal Commission arranged in other House. Black Rod despatched to summon Commons to assist at ceremony. "The SAGE wants the House of Lords abolished, does he?" said Black Rod, to his friend the White Elephant. "Very well; but before it's done, I'll bet you 100 to 1, as JOHN MORLEY says, that I, as representative of the Lords, will make him shut up, and pretty sharp too. He little knows there's a Rod in pickle for him, and a Black 'un, too." Everything worked out as it was planned. On Motion for Third Reading of Appropriation Bill, SAGE, in his most winning way, invited Prince ARTHUR to name the happy day. Black Rod, getting tip, hurried across Lobby; reached the door just as SAGE was in middle of a sentence. "Black Rod!" roared Doorkeeper, at top of his voice. SAGE paused, looked with troubled glance towards door, stood for a moment as if he would resist the incursion, and catching sight of sword by Black Rod's side, abruptly sat down amid general titter. [Illustration: "Stopped on the threshold."] Still winding-up business. GEORGE CURZON explained Indian Budget to PLOWDEN, and Rev. SAM SMITH, who thought it very good. So it was, comprehensive, lucid, here and there brightened with felicitous touches of eloquence. "Pity," said GRAND CROSS, when I mentioned to him the depressing circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; "CURZON's a clever youth. When he's been with me a month or two, he'll brighten up considerably. Great advantage for a young man to have such guidance, coming into almost daily contact with a person like his present Chief. The fact is, TOBY, I am really responsible for the state of the House to-night. The country, England and India alike, are so satisfied with my rule over what I may, perhaps without offence, call our dusky Empire, that people do not think it worth while to go down to House to hear the affair discoursed on by my Under-Secretary. Amongst the natives in India, I'm told, I'm regarded as a sort of Fetish. Travellers in remote regions bring home stories of finding, set up in humble cottages, little images, more or less resembling me. GORST told me they have a saying there, which he was good enough to translate. His knowledge of Hindustanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired with remarkable rapidity. These are the lines: If you'd never make a loss, Put your money on GRAND CROSS. A free translation, GORST says, but gives you the swing and the spirit of the distich. Rather hard on CURZON that my popularity should spoil his speech, but a good thing for the country." _Business done_.--Budget brought in. _Tuesday_.--Wonderfully good muster in Lords to-night. Every man upon his mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that epigrammatic style that makes him so delightful, "The first duty of a Peer is to appear." Those Radicals been protesting that talk about necessity for prolonging Session over week all a flam. Simply meant to make it impossible for our delicate friend, the British Workman, to get to poll. Peers must show they mean business, by turning up with regularity and despatch. [Illustration: "All over at last!"] Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred Lords in place to-night. CHELMSFORD, walking down with his umbrella, just about to add a unit to the number; stopped on the threshold by strange sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne, sees DENMAN standing at Table, shaking his fist at Prime Minister. DENMAN is wearing what CHELMSFORD, who is short-sighted, at first took to be red Cap of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a red skull-cap, designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red, but it is. Business before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill Occurs to DENMAN to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes; difficulty to catch his remarks; understood from fragmentary phrases to be extolling someone as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure before the House is Small Holdings Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude he's talking about CHAPLIN. MARKISS interposes; says, "Noble Lord not speaking to Bill before House." It was at this moment CHELMSFORD arrived. Saw DENMAN draw himself up to full height, shake his fist at the MARKISS, and this time at full pitch of quivering voice cry, "Ha! ha! you wish to _clôture_ me again, do you? I'm very much obleeged to you. I have a right to refer in a hereditary assembly to the best man that ever stood in it." Then noble Lords knew it couldn't have been CHAPLIN. Not yet. _Business done_.--Still winding it up. _Tuesday, June 28_.--Parliament prorogued and dissolved. "All over at last," says ROSCOE, putting it in another and more original way. Few to part where (six years ago) many met. Still some, chiefly Metropolitan Members, remain to see the last of the old Parliament. "Good-bye, TOBY," Prince ARTHUR says, after we've shaken hands with the SPEAKER. "Shall see you again in August. _You_'re all right. One of those happy fellows who are returned unopposed. As for me, I have to fight for my seat, and my life." "You'll come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the other side of House. What'll you do when you're in Opposition?" "I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince ARTHUR, with a gleam of joy lighting up his face. _Business done_.--Parliament dissolved. * * * * * [Illustration] NEWS ABOUT BISMARCK FOR THE BRITISH PUBLIC.--Professor SCHWENINGER, the Bizzy B.'s private physician, writes privately to _Mr. Punch_ the following news about his distinguished patient. "Tell the B.P. that P.B. sleeps like a top. This is no hum. He is up at 7 A.M., and wishes everyone 'the top of the mornin' to you,' puts on his top-boots and top-hat, and then goes out for a spin." * * * * * FROM A CORRESPONDENT ANENT THE TRUSTEES, MESSRS. COHEN AND LEVY, AND THE GIFT OF £350,000 FOR LIVERPOOL AND MANCHESTER.--Sir,--It has been asked, what will they do with it? Liverpool and Manchester are both millionnaires and millowners too. Why not send a little to _me_? Who's Cohen, I mean who's goin' to Leave-y _me_ anything? No spare Cohen--or Coin--ever comes _my_ way! Would that a Co-hen would lay for me a golden egg as valuable as the Kohenore! Sir, I am of Irish extraction, and the Irish are of Hebraic origin, so I have some claim. Why? Because Irishmen are Hebrews first and Irish afterwards. The first settlers on settling-day in Ireland were Hebrews to a man, and isn't it clear that "Liffey" was originally "Levy?" Yours impecuniously, THE O'DUNAHOO. _With the accent on the "Owe" and the "Dun"_ _Leafy June 30_. * * * * * [Illustration: "ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY!" _Hostess_. "I'VE GOT _SUCH_ A COLD TO-DAY. I FEEL QUITE _STUPID_!" _Prize Idiot_ (_calling_). "I'VE GOT A BAD COLD TOO; BUT _I_ DON'T FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID! _Hostess_. "AH, I SEE YOU'RE NOT QUITE YOURSELF!"] * * * * * THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN. (_Lately-discovered Fragments of a Grand Old Ballad, the Sequel to which may--or may not--turn up later on._) JOHN GILPIN was a patriot Of credit and renown; A Grand Old Leader eke was he, Of famous London town. JOHN's Liberal Lady said, "Oh, dear! Out in the cold we've been These seven tedious years, and have No chance of Office seen. "To-morrow is Election Day, And we may then repair Our Party-split a little bit,-- That is--if you take care! "Our Sisters, and the Labour lot, Need soothing, you'll agree; If we can all together ride, I think we'll have a spree." He soon replied, "I do admire Of Liberal Dames but one, And you are she, my dearest dear; Therefore it shall be done! "I am a Programme-rider bold, As all the world doth know, And my good friend the Party 'Whip' Will teach me how to go." Quoth the good dame, "Liquor we'll want, The 'Union Tap' is queer; We'll furnished be with our own 'Blend,' Scotch-Irish bright and clear." JOHN GILPIN kissed his partner shrewd; O'erjoyed was he to find That, though on conquest she was bent, She had a prudent mind. * * * * * JOHN GILPIN, at his horse's side, Seized fast the flowing mane, And up he got, in haste to ride, But soon came down again. For saddle-tree scarce reached had he, His journey to begin. When, turning round his head, he saw Queer customers come in. So down he came; for loss of time, Although it grieved him sore, Yet loss of Votes, full well he knew, Would trouble him much more. 'Twas long, ere these queer customers Were suited to their mind, When SCHNADDY, shouting, came down stairs, "The tipple's left behind!" "Good lack!" quoth he, "yet bring it me, My leathern belt likewise, In which I bear my trusty blade When foes I 'pulverise.'" His Liberal Lady (careful soul!) Had two big bottles found, To hold the liquor that she loved, And keep it safe and sound. Each bottle had a curling ear, Through which the belt he drew, And hung a bottle at each side, To keep his balance true. Then, over all, that he might be Equipped from top to toe, His long green cloak, well-brushed and neat, He manfully did throw. Now see him mounted once again Upon his docile steed, Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, With caution and good heed. It might have been a smoother road, Nor was it nice to meet First off, a Pig, who GILPIN bold With stubborn grunt did greet. So fair and softly! JOHNY cried, But-- [_Here the fragment, so far as at present discovered, abruptly endeth._ * * * * * TIP FROM OUR OWN BOOKING-OFFICE.--Persons about to go to the Country, whether to defend their own seat or attack someone else's, can't do better, my Baronite says, than take with them P.W. CLAYDEN's _England Under Coalition_, just published by FISHER UNWIN. It's not much to carry, but it's worth the trouble of packing up; also of unpacking, and reading. It tells the story of two Parliaments and three Governments. A pretty story it is, more interesting than most novels, and in one volume too. A marvel of condensation and lucid narrative. Only one thing lacking to a work likely to be constantly used for reference, and that is an index. "But you can't have everything," as _Queen Eleanor_ said to _Fair Rosamond_ when, having swallowed the contents of the poisoned chalice, she asked for a dagger. * * * * * [Illustration: THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN. "NOW SEE HIM MOUNTED ONCE AGAIN UPON HIS NIMBLE STEED, FULL SLOWLY PACING O'ER THE STONES, WITH CAUTION AND GOOD HEED." ] * * * * * [Illustration: OBVIOUS. _Buttons_ (_fresh from the Country, evidently no French Scholar_). "I SAY, MARY, THE GUV'NOR AND MISSUS ARE DINING OUT TO-NIGHT. BUT I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME MAKE OUT WHAT A _R_, A _S_, A _V_, AND A _P_ MEAN ON THIS 'ERE CARD!" _Smart Housemaid_. "WHY, OF COURSE IT MEANS THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE _R_UMP _S_TEAK AND _V_EAL _P_IE!"] * * * * * ELECTION NOTES. (_BY MR. PUNCH'S SPECIAL COMMISSIONER._) DEAR SIR,--I am glad you consented eventually to the terms I proposed. After all, £100 a-week (_and expenses_) is a mere trifle for the arduous work I expect to do for you. According to your instructions, I arrived three nights ago in the ancient borough of Bunkham-on-the-Marsh, and at once took steps to pursue those inquiries which are necessary for a satisfactory estimate of the political situation. My experience as a lightning change _artiste_ is quite invaluable. I visit the Liberal Committee-rooms, and attend Liberal meetings in a complete suit of corduroys and horny hands. Five minutes afterwards I find myself in a military moustache, a frock coat, and patent leather boots at the Conservative head-quarters. In the former disguise I enthusiastically advocate the Newcastle Programme, and denounce the base minions of Coercion. In the latter I rouse Conservative partisans to frenzy by my impassioned appeals on behalf of one Queen, one Flag, one Empire, and a policy of enlightened Conservative progress. I can highly recommend my two perorations, in one of which I consign Mr. GLADSTONE to eternal infamy, while in the other I hold up Lord SALISBURY to the derision of mankind. I send you herewith extracts from the two newspapers published in Bunkham. The _Bunkham News_ is the organ of the Liberals; the _Bunkham Standard_ (with which are incorporated the _Bunkham Messenger_ and the _Bunkham Guardian and Mangelhire Express_) expresses the views of the Conservatives in this important district. _The Bunkham News._ At last! The period of subterfuges and evasions is past. Fraud and dishonesty have had their day, Coercion has done its worst, and the time has come when the most scandalous and disgraceful Government of which history bears record, will have to submit itself for judgment to the opinions of those who are dishonoured by being its fellow-countrymen. We can have no doubt whatever as to what the result of the contest will be in this enlightened constituency. The men of Bunkham have been at all times noted for their love of freedom and justice, and for their hatred of those who base themselves upon oppression and iniquity. The Liberal Candidate, Mr. HENRY PLEDGER, has now been before the Constituency for more than a year. Wherever he has gone he has been received with unparalleled demonstrations of enthusiasm by the immense majority of our fellow-townsmen. His eloquence, combined with his engaging manners, have won all hearts. The fight will be short, but severe. Men of Bunkham, will you lag in the rear? The issue is to those who work from now to the polling day. If you only make a united effort, triumph is assured. * * * * * _The Bunkham Standard._ The date of the Dissolution has been fixed, and by making it impossible for the Elections to be held on a Saturday, the Government have given one more proof of their deep and sincere devotion to the highest interests of the working-classes. There never has been any Ministry, we make bold to say, whose record will better bear the fierce light of public investigation. Grievances have been redressed, moderate reforms, such as the country desired, have been passed into law, and turbulence and outrage have been repressed. No body of men ever deserved more fully what they now possess, and are sure to retain--the confidence and gratitude of their fellow-citizens. Our Member, Mr. TUFFAN, has borne a not unimportant part in assisting the Government by his presence in the House of Commons. His manly, straightforward integrity, and his universal generosity, have endeared him to all classes in Bunkham. We look forward with absolute confidence to his return by an immense majority. From the disorganised ranks of our adversaries there is little to fear. Let us stand shoulder to shoulder, and leave no stone unturned to win a victory which is even now within our grasp. * * * * * I have had interviews with prominent politicians on both sides, and have been assured on both sides, that victory is certain. Both Candidates are constantly occupied in driving all over the borough in pair-horse carriages, lavishly decorated with the party colours, orange for the Liberals, blue for the Conservatives. Mrs. PLEDGER is magnificent in an orange silk dress; Mrs. TUFFAN overwhelms me with blue ribbons. Master PLEDGER waves an orange banner in every street; Miss TUFFAN distributes blue cards in all the shops. The Liberal Committee-rooms are ablaze with pictures of Mr. GLADSTONE; the Conservative Office flames with Union Jacks, and other Imperial devices. Eight meetings are to be held in different parts of the Constituency to-night. Immense efforts are being made to capture the votes of the Association of Jam Dealers, which has its chief factory here. Master PLEDGER has just gone by in a Victoria, with a huge pot of "Bunkham Jam" on the seat in front of him. He had a spoon, and was apparently enjoying himself. This manoeuvre has much depressed the Conservatives, who consider it disgraceful. More next week. Yours always, THE MAN IN THE MOON. * * * * * [Illustration: A RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. CLAIMING THE LAND. (_By Our Americanised Artist_.)] * * * * * NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. * * * * * [Illustration: (Index)] Advice Gratis, 291, 305 After Dinner--at the Close of the Year, 1 After the Event, 268 "Airy Fairy Lilly 'Un!" 125 "All's (Fairly) Well," 189 "And a good Judge, too," 87 Anglo-American French, 108 Another Rural Conference, 37 Another Shakspeare, 133 Any Man to any Woman, 227 April Showers, 198 Archdeacon Answered (The), 310 "Are you Hansard now?" 133 'Arry Examined, 15 'Arry on Wheels, 217 Ars Longa, 221 Art in the City, 232 Atrabilious Liverpool, 6 Aspirations, 262 At Mrs. Ram's, 42 Attack on the "Capital" (The), 66 Bachelor's Growl (A), 294 Berlin Citizen's Diary (A), 190 Better and Better, 268 "Beyond the Dreams of Avarice," 161 Bird of Prey (A), 230 Blizzard from the North, 278 Boat-Race Day, 169 Bogie Man (The), 138 Bones of Joseph (The), 313 Bos _v_. Boss, 9 Bounds of Science (The), 182 Boxing Imbroglio (The), 39 Brawling at Home and Abroad, 179 Breaking, 186 Brer Fox and Old Man Crow, 281 Bridal Wreath (The), 42 Broken Bonds, 182 Brother Brush, A.R.A., 65 Brown-Jones Incident (The), 197 Burial of the "Broad Gauge" (The), 266 Burning Words, 237 "Butchered to make ----," 147 Butter and Bosh, 138 By a Small Western, 93 By One of the Unemployed, 289 Capital! 25 "Call you this Backing your Friends?" 218 Cardinal Manning, 39 "Cave Kanem!" 315 Change of Name suggested, 42 Charles Haddon Spurgeon, 73 "Charles, his Friends," 83 Chef's New Dish for Travellers (The), 124 Chimes (The), 2 Christmas in Germany, 24 Churlish Cabman (The), 157 City Men, 94 "Clerk me no Clerks," 153 Climatic Nomenclature for the New Year, 6 Cockney Classics, 179 "Combining Amusement with Instruction," 100 "Come hither, Hubert!" 69 Coming of Ninety-Two, 6 Complicated Case, 89 Confessions of a Duffer, 35, 45, 49, 76, 97, 125, 141, 169, 202, 229, 256, 285 Connected with the Press, 189 Considerate, 265 Couplet by a Cynic, 222 Courier of the Hague (The), 289 Court Cards, 233 Covent Garden Masque (The), 37 Cries without Wool, 48, 129 Criterion of Morals (A), 225 Crossed-Examination, 24 Cross-Examiner's Vade Mecum (The), 27 Cupid's Tennis-Courts, 81 Cursory Observation (A), 213 "Cuts!" 303 Dangerous Title (A), 72 Dawn of a New Era (The), 48 Day at Antwerp (A), 277 "Deadly Cigarette" (The), 252 Death in the Pop, 124 Dentist's Waiting-Room (A), 261 "De Profundis," 209 Destroying the Spider's Web, 159 Dialogue of the Future (A), 37 Dissolution--(as the Enemy of the London Season), 290 Dogs and Cats, 94 Doing the Old Masters, 121 Dreams, 131 Drinks and Dramas, 189 Duke of Devonshire (The), 1 Dynamite Dragon (The), 186 Dynamitical Arguments, 21 Earl's Court Idyl (An), 304 Early Spring, 229 Effectively Settling it, 172 Election Notes, 321 Empty Triumph (An), 172 Encounter, 124 Entêtement Britannique, 133 Episcopacy in Danger, 268 Essence of Parliament, 84, 90, 102, 114, 131, 143, 155, 166, 179, 190, 227, 238, 244, 264, 274, 286, 300, 310, 317 Fair Philosopher (A), 41 Fair Traders, 261 Fancy Ball (The), 106 Fête of Flora (The), 313 Fettered, 195 Fogged! 21 Force of Example (The), 135 Foreign and Home News, 73 "Foresters" (The), 161 Free and Easy Theatres, 36 "Frogs" at Oxford (The), 145 From a Lahore Paper, 298 From Parliamentary Exam. Paper, 99 From Robert, 174 From the Shades, 262 From the Theatres, &c., Commission, 198 Fudge Formula (A), 118 General's Little Fund (The), 242 Gifted Being (A), 310 Gifts for the New Year, 9 Girls of the Period, 305 Gladstonian Mem (A), 47 Good Grace-ious! 85 Good News indeed! 36 Great Loss to Everybody (A), 135 Greek meets Greek, 9 "Hair-Cutting, Singeing, and Shampooing," 136 Hamlet in half an hour, 281 Hamlet in the Haymarket (The), 185 Hamlet; or, Keeping it Dark, 225 "Hard to Beer!" 25 Haunted House (The), 250 "Heavens!" 69 High (Beerbohm) Treason! 65 History as she is Played! 273 Hero of the Summer Sale (The), 60 Honour of the Bar (The), 48 Horace in London, 93, 120, 137, 149, 269, 312 Horse-Educator (The), 316 Hospitality à la Mode, 145 How they bring the Good News, 214 How to Report the Practice of the Crews, 159 How to Save London, 113 Humpty-Dumpty up again! 17 Hyde Park Corner, 261 Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 51 In Defence of the Great Paradoxist, 262 India for the Irish! 99 In Fancy Dress, 196 Influenza Song (An), 93 Inharmonious Colours, 306 "Innings declared Closed," 282 In Statu,--quo? 70 In the Seat of Wisdom, 94 In this style, Six-and-Eightpence, 81 "It will Wash!" 288 Jim's Jottings, 14, 85 Jokim's Latest Little Joke, 204 Judges in Council (The), 59 Justice for Justice, 108 Kensington Gardens, 297 Killing no Murder, 266 King and the Clown (The), 172 "Know all men by these Presents," 213 Lady Gay's Selections, 261, 273, 286, 300, 302, 313 "La Grippe," 61 La Justice pour Rire, 218 Last of the Guards (The), 75 Latterday Valentine (A), 89 Laying a Ghost, 201 Lay of the Analytic Novelist (The), 17 Lay of the Literary Autolycus (The), 213 Lay of the Litigant (The), 60 Lay Sermon (A), 246 Lays of Modern Home, 9 Legend of the Mutton Bone (The), 192 Letters to Abstractions, 5, 72, 112, 184 Liquor Question (A), 193 Limb and the Law (The), 262 "Little Holiday" (A), 126 Local Colour, 94 Lockwood the Lecturer, 145 Lord Bramwell, 258 Lord Wildermere's Mother-in-Law, 123 Lost Luggage, 265 "Marie, come up!" 57 "Married and Single," 273 Marvels of Modern Science (The), 157 Matinée Mania, 165 Matrimony Up to Date, 39 "Meeting of the Waters" (The), 118 Mems. of Theatres, &c., Commission, 244 Menu from Birmingham (A), 70 Menu from Hatfield (A), 54 Mixed, 245 Moan of the Music-Hall Muse (The), 278 Modern Alexander's Feast (The), 111 Modesty of Genius (The), 133 More Bones to Pick with the School-Board, 81 More than Satisfied, 241 Morning of the Derby (The), 273 Mr. Bayly's Coast-Spectre, 47 Mr. Goschen's Budget, 193 Mr. Punch's Agricultural Novel, 226 Mr. Punch's Boat-Race Novel, 177 Mr. Punch's Hebridean Salmon-Fly Book, 205 Mr. Punch's New-Year Honours, Gifts, Good Wishes, and Greetings, 23 Mr. Punch's Royal Academy Guide, 220 Mr. Punch's Up-to-Date Poetry for Children, 145, 213 Mr. Punch to the Illustrated London News, 242 Mr. Punch to the Life-boat Men, 74 Mrs. Ram on Current Politics, 69 "Murder in Jest," 237 "Music in Our Street" (The), 57 "Must it come to this?" 129 "My dear Eyes! What! See-usan!" 153 My Soap, 193 "Names and their Meaning," 171 Neo-Dramatic Nursery Rhyme, 193 "Ne Plus Ulster," 305 Newest Narcissus (The), 194 New Gallery (The), 227 New Learning (The), 249 New Monitor (The), 18 News about Bismarck, 317 New Songstress (A), 315 Night Lights, 57 "Not at Home!" 234 Ode to a Giraffe, 173 Odont.! 298 "Off his Feed," 123 Old Friend at the Criterion (An), 101 Old Song Revived (An), 294 On a New Yearling, 13 "One Touch of Nature," 262 Only Fancy! 12, 23, 29, 39 On my Lady's Poodle, 261 On Religious Cymbalism, 106 "On the Blazoned Scroll of Fame," 141 On the First Green Chair, 189 On the (Post) Cards, 209 On the Row among the Romancers, 240 "On the Sly," 83 On the Traill, 60 Opera-Goer's Diary (The), 257, 280 Operatic Notes, 269, 293, 305, 313 "Orme! Sweet Orme!" 242 _Other_ "Westminster Stable" (The), 246 Our Booking-Office, 4, 21, 36, 41, 60, 94, 108, 109, 133, 149, 185, 197, 250, 257, 268 Our Cookery-Bookery, 249 Our Cricketers, 179 Our Humorous Composer, 25 Our Sal Volatile; or, A Wriggler Sarpint of Old Nile, 278 "Out in the Cold!" 63 Paddywhack and Dr. Birch, 105 Palmy Day at St. Raphael (A), 65 Paragon Frame (of Mind) (A), 69 Parliament à la Mode de Paris, 51 Parliament in Sport, 63 Personal Paragraphs, 181 Philosophic Stupidity, 118 Playful Sally (The), 304 Playing Old Harry at the Lyceum, 33 Plea for the Defence (A), 137 "Pleased as Punch," 65 "Pleasing the Pigs!" 73 Poet and the Songs (The), 173 Point of View (The), 206 Polite Literature, 59 Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 318 Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 254 Politics, 315 Ponsch, Prince of Ollendorff, 148 Popular Songs Re-sung, 13, 109, 143, 237 Poser for Mr. Weatherby (A), 126 Preserved Venice, 52 Preux Chevalier, 36 Private and the Public (The), 120 Private Reflections of the Public Orator at Cambridge, 297 "Probable Starters," 282 Prudes and Nudes, 174 Puzzler for a Costumier, 69 Queer Queries, 118 Query by a Depressed Convalescent, 89 Query by "Pen" (A), 94 Question of Politeness, 171 Quite Appropriate, 240 Quite Clear, 9 Quite in Keeping, 273 Rather Large Order (A), 184 Receipt against Influenza, 61 Reckoning without their Host, 223 Recollections of (Cockney) "Arabian" Days and Nights, 234 Reddie-turus Salutat, 218 "Regrets and Greaves," 246 Rembrandt, Titian, Velasquez, &c., 180 Reported Disappearance of the Broad Gauge, 258 Repulsing the Amazons, 216 "Resignation of an Alderman," 280 Respectability, 37 "Returned Empty" (The), 26 Rice and Prunes, 101 Rich _v._ Poor, 133 Riddle (A), 69, 227 "Ring and the Book" (The), 120 Robert in a Fog! 24 Robert on the Hartistic Copperashun, 206 Robert's Cure for the Hinfluenzy, 96 Royal Academy Banquet, 222 Saints or Sinners? 205 Sanitary Congress at Venice (The), 39 Scale with the False Weights (The), 124 Screwed up at Magdalen, 118 Seasonable (and Suitable) Good Wishes, 9 Seasonable Weather, 228 Settler for Mr. Woods (A), 121 Seven Ages of Woman (The), 230 Shady Valet (A), 195 "Signs" of the Times, 171 Simple Stories, 4 Singular Plurality, 262 Sly Old Socrates, 309 (Soldiers') Life we Live (The), 214 Something New in Soap, 65 Song for Lord Rosebery, 42 Sonnet on the South-Eastern, 218 Spring's Delights in London, 193 Spring Time in Leap Year, 150 St. John's Wood, 262 Strange but True, 87 Strange Charge against a Great Poet, 132 Studies in the New Poetry, 268, 292 Sunday Observance, 173 Syllogisms of the Stump, 297 Take Care! 83 Taking a Sight at Ringandknock, 201 Talk over the Tub (A), 54 "Ta-ra-ra" Boom (The), 149 Telephone Cinderella (The), 162 Telephonic Theatre-goers, 208 Tennysonian Fragment (A), 89 "Textuel," 282 Theatres and Music Halls Commission, 173 Theft _v._ Thrift, 23 "There's the Rub!" 30 "This Indenture witnesseth," 73 Times Change, 99 Tip from Our Own Booking-Office, 318 Tip-top Tipster (A), 280 "'Tis Merry in Hall," 157 To a Railway Foot-Warmer, 133 To be or Not to be--discovered, 278 To Justice, 9 To Lord Salisbury, 258 To my Cigarette, 53 To my Cook, 201 Too Conscientious, 240 Too Much of a Good Thing, 48 Tooting, 161 To Police-Constables Smeeth and Tappin, 81 To Queen Coal, 138 To the Future A.R.A., 72 To the Grand Old Tory, 237 To the New "Queen of the May," 210 To the Queen, 61 To the Young City Men, 147 Town Thoughts from the Country, 193 Tramways, 245 Travelling Companions (The), 11, 16, 23, 40, 64, 83 Trial in Novel Form (A), 12 True and Trusty, 70 True Modesty, 211 Truly and Reely, 84 Two Archers (The), 227 Two Dromios, 171 Two Shepherds (The), 87 Una and the British Lion, 314 Unasked, 30 Unobserved of One "Observer" (The), 106 Upon Julia's Coat, 189 Useful Cricketer (The), 297 Vans de Luxe, 252 Venice at Olympia, 36 Venice in London, 41 Venice Reserved, 253 "Versailles" in Leicester Square, 301 Very "Dark Horse" (A), 270 Very "French before Breakfast," 262 Very Natural Error, 288 Very Orchid! 168 Vigorous Vicar (The), 288 "Vive la Liberté!" 106 Volunteer Review at Dover (The), 172 Waiting Game (A), 174 Walt Whitman, 179 Want (A), 193 Water-Colour Room at the Academy (The), 227 Way they have in the Army (The), 292 Weather Reform, 96 Wellington Monument (The), 213 What do they Mean by it? 129 "When Greek meets Greek," 306 Whipped in Vain, 73 Wilde "Tage" to a Tame Play (A), 113 Wilful Wilhelm, 146 William the Whaler, 170 With the Easter Eggs, 185 World on the Wheels (The), 222 Wrestling with Whistlers, 181 Wright and Wrong, 85 Ye Moderates of London, 145 Young Girl's Companion (The), 204, 216, 225, 252 LARGE ENGRAVINGS. April Showers; or, a Spoilt Easter Holiday, 199 Attack on the "Capital" (The), 67 Bogie Man (The), 139 "Coming of Arthur" (The), 91 Coming of Ninety-Two (The), 7 Dynamite Dragon (The), 187 Gift from the Greeks (A), 103 "Her Majesty's Servants," 78, 79 "Innings Closed," 283 January 14, 1892, 43 "Little Holiday" (A), 127 New Monitor (The), 19 New "Queen of the May" (The), 211 "Not at Home!" 235 Old Song Revived (An), 295 _Other_ "Westminster Stable" (The), 247 Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 319 Reckoning without their Host, 223 "Short 'Anded," 55 Spring Time in Leap Year, 151 Telephone Cinderella (The), 163 "There's the Rub!" 31 "Under which Thimble?" 259 Very "Dark Horse" (A), 271 Waiting Game (A), 175 "When Greek meets Greek," 307 Younger than Ever; 115 SMALL ENGRAVINGS. Æsthetic Idea of Plate-Glass Window, 273 Archie's Sister reading Fairy Tales, 174 'Arry 'Untin' in the Frost, 3 Au Revoir to the Foxes, 214 Autumn Goods in Pictures, 206 "Bandy" Association playing Hockey, 101 Baronet explains "Early and Late," 250 Barrister suggests a "Bad Objection," 185 "Beaters" after Luncheon, 96 Bismarck Cut by Emperor, 303 Bismarck "Out in the Cold," 62 Black and White Boxing Contest, 287 British Lion and the New Khedive, 38 Buffalo and Broncho at Earl's Court, 276 Bumble and the Evicted Poor, 14 Burial of the "Broad-Gauge" (The), 267 Candidate Catching, 239 "Champagne first, then Claret," 147 Chancery Judges airing Infant Suitors, 94 Chaplin and the Pigs, 73 Cheeky Artist and German Picture-Dealer, 124 Chief Groups in Commons' Waxworks, 178 Chimes of 1892 (The), 2 "Claiming the Land," 322 Cockney Art-Teacher and Pupil, 238 Cook Basting a Joint, 109 Dancing Lady very much Engaged, 302 Dancing Men at Supper, 126 Dean's Wife and Bishop's Butler, 75 Destroying the Money-Spider's Web, 158 Dissatisfied with her Dressmaker, 54 Dissolution Spectre (The), 290 Doctors Irving and Toole, 310 Doctor's Ugly Children (The), 222 Drummondo Wolffez, the Bull-fighter, 59 D.T. Patient and his Skeleton, 39 Edith's Grace after Pudding, 254 Erne on Rabbits and Multiplication, 246 Ethel and the "Lion of the Season," 209 Ethel's Question on Face and Hair-Powder, 268 Faint Comet (A), 179 Fair Matron and Great Mathematician, 70 Fancy Portrait of Oscar Wilde, 113 Farmer Murphy at the Box-Office, 230 Fashionable Lady's Ugly Side (A), 234 Fashionable Mother's Child's Age, 294 Fat and Thin Pug-Dogs, 102 Father Time and Coming Events, 10 Footman and Page-Boy, 23 Footman recommending a Dentist, 135 Fox-hunters among the Turnips, 29 French and English Infantrymen, 207 General Boombastes Booth, 106 Georgie Porgie Gladstone, 279 German Emperor as Jupiter, 110 German Emperor destroying Papers, 146 German William's Wheeling Expedition, 170 Gladstone and Friends' Letters, 311 Golf Implements without the Links, 94 "Good Staying" Mare (A), 61 Grand Old Energy, 130 Group of Goormongs (A), 150 Harcourt as a Commercial Traveller, 274 Haunted House of Commons (The), 251 History Exam, on the Great Sapolio, 210 Housemaid and Footman Conversing, 179 Housemaid defines R.S.V.P., 321 House of Lords Waxworks, 107 Hunter hung up on a Stile, 129 Hunting Man has had "a Drop too much," 37 Hunting Man walks without Boots, 177 Impatient Old Gent at Post-Office, 182 Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 50 Inebriated Gent at Signal-Box, 123 Jones and Dinner Conversation, 282 Jones and Press Criticisms, 66 Judge hearing Two Cases at Once, 65 Judges Serving in Refreshment Bar, 81 Kent Road Belle and Contrast, 291 Labouchere Ferret and Blackmailing Rat, 148 Lady and Ignorant Voter's Wife, 237 Lady and M.P. meet in the Park, 138 Lady Diana and the Horse-dealer, 159 Lady Harpy (The), 231 La France forsaken by the Russ, 183 Leaving out the "Ought," 194 Little Charlie's Good-bye at a Station, 111 Little Ethel and the Whipped Cream, 198 Little Swell and Wild West Indians, 309 London in Venice, 119 Lovers in a French Cemetery, 25 Maid and Dowager's Dress, 63 Maid who didn't Suit the Situation, 298 Maiden who wishes to be engaged, 69 Mamma on People worth Knowing, 42 Mariana's difficulty with Curling Tongs, 63 Married Vicar and his Curate, 292 Master administering the Rod, 109 Middy and the Bay-Rum, 153 Middy and the Bishop, 258 Miss Certainage believes she will die young, 242 Miss Eugenia's Taste for Antiques, 131 Miss Twelfthnight's Characters, 22 Modern Criminal Hero (The), 195 Morley's Stray Sheep, 86 Mr. Punch congratulates Madame Illustrated London News, 243 Mr. Punch Golfing, 1 Mrs. Dasher and the Complimentary Major, 155 New Companion's H.'s (The), 286 New L.C.C. Waxworks (The), 142 Newly-Married M.P. and Wife, 306 Old Maid and Chapel-going Servant, 193 Our Artist's Execution, 99 Our Little Artist's Tall Women, 270 Over Time in Leap Year, 12 Page-Boy and the Door-Plate, 197 Page-Boy and the Major's Coat, 47 Page-Boy in Love (The), 137 Pair of Old-fashioned Snuffers, 6 Parliamentary Safety Bicycle Championship, 82 Parliament Member's Thoughts, 203 Pavement Artist at Whistler's Show, 171 Picking a Funny Bone, 186 Picture of "Olympia" (A), 190 Polite 'Bus Conductor (The), 218 Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 255 Political Wirepuller at Work (The), 58 Private View, Royal Academy, 215 Prize Idiot with a Cold, 318 Punch and the Lifeboat-Men, 74 Race for the Country (The), 299 Racer "Majority" Off his Feed, 122 Railway Travellers' Last Match, 114 Randolph returned from Mashonaland, 26 Representations of the London County Council, 191 "Round" or "Square"? 15 Royal Parliamentary Tournament, 263 Russian Recruiting Sergeant and the Shah, 219 Salvation House of Commons (The), 154 Schoolboy making his Sister "Fag," 118 Scotch Gamekeepers and Londoner, 18 Scotchwoman on Lady Doctors (A), 245 Sea-side Ballad-Singer and Old Lady, 21 Short Dancing-Man and his Hostess, 162 Sir Bonamy's Dinner-Book, 90 Sketches in the Saddle, 34 Sketches of Balfour the Leader, 167 Sketching in the Train, 46 Speaking French without an Accent, 214 Speaking Likeness of a Dumb Model, 30 Sporting Gentleman and Parson, 266 Street Music, 57 "Through Darkest Lambeth," 315 Tommy and his Grandpapa, 161 Tommy and Jimmy criticising Picture, 262 Two Hamlets (The), 73 Una and the British Lion, 314 Unwilling Imitator of Lottie Collins, 227 Venus of 1892 rising from the Sea, 293 Volunteer and the Jury List (The), 134 "Waking-up" for the Opening of the Session, 71 Westminster Waxworks, 1892 (The), 95 William the Conqueror and the Range Act, 98 Wishing he had been a "Bear," 274 Wishing Mamma was a Kangaroo, 304 Worried Journalist and Philistine Wife, 27 Young Lady Popular Novelist (A), 83 Young Wife and Club Telephone, 51 Young Wife and Old Spinster, 87 [Illustration: (Finis)] * * * * * LONDON: BRADBURY AGNEW, & CO. LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, July 2, 1892, by Various *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14787 ***