Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 62969 *** HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL PHIL MAY [Illustration: colophon] LONDON: “PUNCH” OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. [Illustration: PHIL MAY--By Himself.] Reproduced from “The History of Punch” by the kind permission of Mr. H. H. Spielmann, the ownder of the original drawings. [Illustration: “AND SHE OUGHT TO KNOW!” “That’s supposed to be a Portograph of Lady Solsbary. But, bless yer, it ain’t like her a bit in Private!”] [Illustration: PREACHING AND PRACTISING. _Lady Bountiful_ (_to old Parishioner_). “I hope you like our New Clergyman’s Sermons, Mrs. Brown?” _Mrs. Brown_: “Oh yes, my Lady, he do Preach quite beautiful; but then, you see, he don’t Practise. So when my poor old Man be troubled with the Rheumatics, I have to send for the Doctor in the Village, and it do come so very expensive!”] [Illustration: “PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER.” “All right, Sir! My fault!”] [Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER. “Has Mr. Smith been here?” “Yes; he was here about an hour ago.” “Was I with him?”] [Illustration: “Penny ’Addick.” “Finen?” “No; thick ’un!”] [Illustration: A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY. “’Ow are yer gettin’ on, Bill?” “Ain’t gettin’ on at all. I’m beginnin’ to think as the Publick doesn’t know what they wants!”] [Illustration: BLASÉ _Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). “‘Once upon a time there was a frog----’” _Mabel_ (_interrupting_). “I bet it’s a Princess! Go on!”] [Illustration: CRUEL! _Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). “Are you Dining anywhere to-morrow night?” _Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely “give himself away”_). “Let me see”--(_considers_)--“No; I’m not Dining anywhere to-morrow.” _Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). “Um! Poor chap! How Hungry you will be!” [“_Exeunt,--severally_.”]] [Illustration: “THE COW WAS THE STAMP TO IMPRESS SUPERIOR BUTTER.” “’Arf a pound er Margarine, please; an’ Mother says will yer put the Cow on it cos she’s got Company!”] [Illustration: Q. E. D. “Wha’s up wi’ Sal?” “Ain’t yer ’erd? She’s Married agin!”] [Illustration: OF VITAL IMPORTANCE. “Hi, Billie! _’Ere’s_ Cheap Gloves!”] [Illustration: AN IMPORTANT ’JUNCTION. “You mind your Fader gets my Boots reddy by Four o’clock, ’cos I’m goin’ to a Party!”] [Illustration: AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION. ’_Arry_ (_shouting across the street to his “Pal”_) “Hi! Bill! This is ’er!”] [Illustration: POLITICS AND GALLANTRY. _First ’Arry_: “Hay, wot’s this ’ere Rosebery a torkin’ abaat? Bless’d if he ain’t a goin’ to do awy with the Lords!” _Second ’Arry_: (_more of a Don Juan than a Politician_). “Do awy with the ’ole bloomin’ lot o’ Lords, if he likes, as long as he don’t do awy with the Lidies!”] [Illustration: THE PLUNGER. _First Boy_ _(much interested in the game of Buttons_). “’As ’e lost?” _Second Ditto_. “Yes; ’e lost all them Buttons what ’e won off Tommy Crowther yesterday, an’ then ’e cut all the Buttons off ’is Clothes, and ’e’s lost them too!”] [Illustration: _Superior ’Arry_. “Cabbie! To the--aw--the Prince of Wales’s.” _Cabbie_-“Marlbro’ ’Ouse, my Lord?”] [Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON. _Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). “So glad to see you enjoying yourself!” _Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). “Wrong again, old Man. I’m enjoying my Dinner!”] [Illustration: “Look what I’ve bought you for a Christmas Box!”] [Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT. _Serious and much-Married Man_. “My dear Friend, I _was_ astonished to hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a ‘Woman with a Past’ you know!” _The Friend_ (_Bachelor “unattached”_). “Well, you see, old Man, she’s got a first-rate _Chef_, so it isn’t her ‘Past’ but her ‘Re-past’ that I care about.”] [Illustration: Editor of Libellous Rag (who has just received a terrific but well-deserved kick). “Dud you man thot?” _Colonel McMurder_. “Yis, oi _dud_, you thunderin’ villain!” _Editor_. “Oh, very well, thot’s all _roight_. Oi t’ought it moight av been wan o’ thim prac-ta-cle jokes”!] [Illustration: “Hi, Billy! are yer Movin’?”] [Illustration: SO LIKELY! Scene--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._ _Barmaid_. “Tea, Sir?” _Mr. Boozy_. “Tea!!! ME!!!!”] [Illustration: BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY. “Say, Billee, shall we gaver Mushrooms?” “Yus. I’m a Beggar to Climb!”] [Illustration: _First Boy_. “Give us a Bite of your Apple, Bob.” _Second Boy_. “Shan’t.” _First Boy_. “What for?” _Second Boy_. “’Cos yer axed me!” (_After a pause._) _Small Boy_. “Gi’ me a Bite, Bob. I never axed yer!”] [Illustration: A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.] [Illustration: MAY 1. THE SWEEPS’ FESTIVAL. A Study in Black and White. ⁂ Nice for Next Fare.] [Illustration: _New Assistant_ (_after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has been away for a couple of weeks_). “Your ’Air is very thin be’ind, Sir. Try Singeing!” _Jones_ (_after a pause_). “Yes, I think I will.” _N.A._ (_after singeing_). “Shampoo, Sir? Good for the ’Air, Sir.” _Jones_. “Thank you. Yes.” _N.A._ “Your Moustaches curled?” _Jones_. “Please.” _N.A._ “May I give you a Friction?” _Jones_. “Thank you.” _N.A._ “Will you try some of our----” _Manager_ (_who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper_). “You Idiot! _He’s_ a Subscriber!!”] [Illustration: _Youngster_ (_who has just had a Penny given to him_). “’Ow much is them Grapes, Mister?” _Shopkeeper_ (_amused_). “They are Four Shillings and Sixpence a Pound, my Lad.” _Youngster_. “Well, then, give us a ’A’porth o’ _Carrots_. I’m a _Demon_ for _Fruit_!”] [Illustration: _Ragged Urchin_ (_who has just picked up very short and dirty end of a Cigarette_). “Hi, Billy! Look ’ere! See what you’ve missed!”] [Illustration: “_Perfeck Lidy_” (_who has just been ejected_). “Well, _next_ time I goes into a Publickouse, I’ll go somewhere where I’ll be _respected_!”] [Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP. _First Gossip_. “So you was nivver axed tut Funeral?” _Second Gossip_. “Nivver as much as inside t’house. But nobbut wait till _we_ hev’ a Funeral of us own, an’ _we_’ll show ’em!”] [Illustration: SO THAT DOESN’T COUNT. “Are you sure they’re quite Fresh?” “Wot a Question to arst! Can’t yer see they’re Alive?” “Yes; but you’re _Alive_, you know!”] [Illustration: A SUNDAY DINNER. _Father of Family_ (_who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under the table_). “Mind t’Dog doesn’t get it!” _Young Hopeful_ (_triumphantly_). “All right, Feyther! I’ve gotten me Foot on it!”] [Illustration: _Workman_ (_politely, to old Lady, who has accidentally got into the Smoking Compartment_). “You don’ object to my Pipe, I ’ope Mum?” _Old Lady_. “Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!” _Workman_. “Oh! Then out you get!!”] [Illustration: REASSURING. “Lor’ bless yer, Sir, that’s all right, Sir! _That_ ain’t a Fly, Sir! _That’s_ a bit of Dirt!”] [Illustration: PICKINGS FROM PICARDY. After the Procession. A Solo by Grand-père.] [Illustration: MUCH ADO. “Mumma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We’s crying! Tum up ’tairs an’ see what’s de matter wiv us!”] [Illustration: A SKETCH FROM LIFE. _Chorus_ (_slow music_). “We’ve a rare old--fair old--rickety Crew!”] [Illustration: “_Are_ you comin’ ’ome?” “I’ll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M’ria--(_hic_)--Bur I _won’t_ come ’ome.”] [Illustration: _Importunate Street Urchin_ (_for the tenth time_). “Gi’ us a Copper. Sir! Gi’ us a Copper!” _Testy Individual_ (_losing patience_). “Oh, go to”--(substitutes a milder form)--“blazes!” _Street Urchin_. “Sure thin an’ I would in this bastly could weather, if I was only certain o’ comin’ back again!” [_Individual’s testiness overcome and Urchin rewarded_.]] [Illustration: “NICE FOR THE VISITORS.” (_Sketch Outisde a Fashionable Hotel_.)] [Illustration: _Coster_ (_to acquaintance, who has been away for some months_). “Wot are yer bin doin’ all this time?” _Bill Robbins_ (_who has been “doing time”_). “Oh, I’ve bin Wheelin’ a bit, Ole Man--Wheelin’ a bit!”] [Illustration: THE GREAT PRIZE FIGHT. _Johnnie_ (_who finds that his Box, £20, has been appropriated by “the Fancy”_). “I beg your pardon, but this is _my_ Box!” _Bill Basford_. “Oh, is it? Well, why don’t you tike it?”] [Illustration: _Fussy Old Lady_. “Now _don’t_ forget, Conductor. I _want the Bank of England_.” _Conductor_. “_All_ right, Mum.” (_Aside_.) “She _don’t_ want _much_, do she, Mate?”] [Illustration: INFORMATION. _First ’Arry_ (_with newspaper_). “I say, ’Arry, you’se a Toff. What’s a ‘Collar Day’ at Court?” _Second ’Arry_. “Donno ’xactly. Suppose it’s a Saturday when things come ’ome from the Wash.” _First ’Arry_. “Oh, I see--‘Clean Collar Day’!”] [Illustration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to posing_). “Will yer want me ter tike my Bun down?”] [Illustration: “EVERYTHING COMES TO HIM THAT ‘WAITS.’”] [Illustration: THE HEALING ART. _Doctor_. “Did you give the Children the Physic I sent last night?” _Fond Mother_. “Yes, Sir,” _Doctor_. “And how are they to-day?” _Fond Mother_. “Well, the little un’s very bad to be sure. But it don’t seem to ’ave done the t’other un’ no ’Arm as yet!”] [Illustration: _Bill Sykes_ (_reading_). “There are now ten men of the Bechuanaland Border Police in the whole Bechuanaland Protectorate, four of whom are doing Customs Duty.”] [Illustration: _Street Serio_ (_singing_). “Er--yew will think hov me and Love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!”] [Illustration: _Old Jones_. “Yes, my Boy, _there’s_ Wine for you, eh? I bought Ten Pounds of it the other day.” _Brown_. “What a _lot_ you must have got!”] [Illustration: First Newspaper Boy. “Hullo, Bill! Who’s ’e?” Second Newspaper Boy. “I suppose ’e’s the North Pole as ’as just been Discovered!”] [Illustration: “What Bait are yer usin’, Billie?” “Cheese.” “What are yer tryin’ ter catch--Mice?”] [Illustration: A BI-METALLISTIC DISCUSSION. _Jim_. “What’s this ere ‘Bi-metallism,’ Bill?” _Bill_ (_of superior intelligence_). “Well, yer see, Jim, it’s heither a Licensed Wittlers’ or a Teetotal Dodge. The Wages’ll be paid in Silver, and no more Coppers. So you can’t get no arf-pint nor hanythink under a Sixpence or a Thrip’ny. Then you heither leaves it alone, and takes to Water like a Duck, or you runs up a score.” _Jim_. “Ah! But if there ain’t no more Coppers, ’ow about the ’Buses and the Hunderground Rileway?” _Bill_ (_profoundly_). “Ah!” [Left sitting.]] [Illustration: _First Genius to Second Genius_. “Why on Earth do you do your Hair in that absurd Fashion, Smith?”] [Illustration: “Oi tell yez Oi will _not_ clane out me Cell. Oi’d lave the Jail furrst!”] [Illustration: _Small Voice from under the Bed_. “_No_, I will _not_ come out! I tell you, once and for all.” Bernesia. “I _will_ be Master in my own House!”] [Illustration: _Photographer_. “I think this is an excellent Portrait of your Wife.” _Mr. Smallweed_. “I don’t know--sort of _repose_ about the mouth that somehow doesn’t seem right”] [Illustration: “Where did yer spend yer ’Olidays, Bob?” “Souf o’ Frarnce, o’ course!”] [Illustration: HOSPITALITY. _Spokesman of Working Men’s Club_ (_on the occasion of their Patron’s first visit_). “And we ’opes, Sir, as this ’ll be _neither_ the _first_ nor the _last_ time as you’ll dew us the honner of settin’ among us!”] [Illustration: SO INVITING!] [Illustration: ’_Bus Conductor_, “Emmersmith! Emmersmith! ’Ere ye are! Emmersmith!” ’_Liza Ann_. “Oo er yer callin’ Emmer Smith? Sorcy ’ound!”] [Illustration: _Enthusiastic Briton_ (_to seedy American, who has been running down all our National Monuments_). “But even if our Houses of Parliament ‘aren’t in it,’ as you say, with the Masonic Temple of Chicago, surely, Sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for instance----” _Seedy American_. “Waal, _guess_ I don’t think so durned much of your Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I _slep_ on it.”] [Illustration: “Gentlemen, I am ready to admit that his Career in the Past has not been free from Blemish----”] [Illustration: FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE. Where to Sup _al fresco_ in the Hottest Weather. The “_Whelkome_ Club.”] [Illustration: “Tell your Fortune, Pretty Gentleman?”] [Illustration: _Clerk of Booking-Office._ “There is _no_ First Class by this Train, Sir.” ’_Arry_. “Then wot are _we_ going ter do, Bill?”] [Illustration: “THE ANCHOR’S WEIGHED.” (_Sketched on an Excursion Steamer._)] [Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION _Tramp_ (_to benevolent but inquisitive Lady_). “Well you see, Mum, it were like this. I were a ’Addick Smoker by profession; then I got ill, and ’ad to go to the ’Orspital; then I sold Cats’ Meat; but some’ow or other I got into _low water!_”] [Illustration: A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY.] [Illustration: THE MOTOR ’BUS. _Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.” _Driver_. “_I_ can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”] [Illustration: “Poor likkle Doggie--hasn’t got any Fevvers on!”] [Illustration: THE MOTOR ’BUS. _Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.” _Driver_. “I can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”] [Illustration: SO VERY CONSIDERATE. _Stout Coster_. “Where are yer goin’ to, Bill?” _Bill_. “Inter the Country for a nice Drive, bein’ Bank ’Olidy.” _Stout Coster_. “Same ’ere. I sy! don’t yer think we might swop Misseses just for a few Hours? It would be so much kinder to the Hanimile!”] [Illustration: _Sexton_ (_to a Divine, who was spending his holidays in the country, and who, on the sudden illness of the Village Parson, volunteered to take the duties_). “A worse Preacher would have done for us, Sir, _but we couldn’t get one_!”] [Illustration: ZOOLOGY. “That’s a Porkypine, Sarah.” “No, it ain’t, Bill. It’s a Orstridge!”] [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.] [Illustration: 79 SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.] [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. “Oh, rest you merry Gentleman, May nothing you dismay!”] [Illustration: “A STUDY IN EXPRESSION.”] End of Project Gutenberg's Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May, by Phil May *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 62969 ***