Horse Laughs

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42402 *** [Illustration: ADVICE GRATIS. _Boy (to Local Preacher sallying forth on a “spouting” expedition)._--I SAY, MESTER, IF YER WAS TO LENGTHEN YER STIRRUPS AN’ SHORTEN YER FACE, YER’D RIDE A BIT EASIER.] HORSE:LAUGHS. By Chas. H. Marshall. To Gilbert Dalziel, Esq., THE EDITOR OF “JUDY,” THIS LITTLE BOOK OF SKETCHES IS GRATEFULLY DEDICATED, AS AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF HIS KIND PERMISSION FOR ITS PUBLICATION, AND ALSO AS A RECOGNITION OF NUMEROUS FAVOURS RECEIVED FROM HIM ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS. WITH THE MOST LIVELY SENTIMENTS OF RESPECT, BY HIS MOST OBEDIENT SERVANT, THE AUTHOR AND ARTIST. [Illustration: A NICE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON! _Jovial Huntsman (turning up three-quarters of an hour late, with only two or three couple of hounds, to Master)._--FINE HUNTINSH MORNIN’, SHURR. ’OUNDISH FINE CONDISHUN--THIRSTIN’ FOR BLOODSH--HORSHISH FRESH--MENSH VERY FITSH.] [Illustration: QUALITY AND QUANTITY. _Noble Lord (recently married, and rather proud of his Wife)._--THERE, MUGGINS! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER LADYSHIP? _Muggins (a Tenant who has just been taking a prize at the Fat Stock Show)._--WELL, M’ LORD, _I_ RECKON SHE’S TUPPENCE-’A’P’NY A POUND BETTER THAN ANY OTHER LADY IN THESE PARTS.] [Illustration: AN EXCUSE FOR THE FOX. (_The Fox having been repeatedly headed back into cover, the Noble Master rides up to ascertain the cause._) _Exasperated Huntsman (pointing to Old Lady, with withering contempt)._--WHY, MY LORD, WHAT _could_ FACE THAT?] [Illustration: WELL MEANT. _Highly elated little Gent._--NOW THEN, MISS, I’LL GIVE YER A LEAD HOVER. COME HUP, DONOVAN! HIN OR HOVER!] [Illustration: BOTH! “A DOUBLE EVENT.”] [Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE. _Awful County Magnate (to small Boy, occupying the only gap in big fence)._--COME, GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU YOUNG MONKEY! _Small Boy._--WHO’S INTERFERED WITH YOU, OLD CHAWBACON? KEEP TO YOUR OWN LINE, AND DON’T COME RIDING IN MY POCKET.] [Illustration: A MUSICAL HORSE. _Officious Horsey Individual (who “knows a ’orse when ’e sees ’im,” and who also “’as a hear for musick”)._--YOUR ’ORSE WILL SOON JINE THE BRASS BAND, SIR. _Swell (unconscious of his horse’s slight infirmity)._--BRASS BAND? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? _O. H. Individual._--WHY, CAN’T YER ’EAR THAT ALREADY ’E TOOTLES A BIT ON THE FLUTE; BUT BY THE END OF THE SEASON IT’LL BE A CASE OF TROMBONE WITH ’IM, AN’ NO MISTAKE.] [Illustration: “WHEN THE DEVIL WAS SICK THE DEVIL A MONK WOULD BE,” &c. _Whip (who has come a severe cropper)._--WELL, I’LL BE----(_hesitates; wonders whether he’s mortally damaged; finds he’s all sound and right_)--D----D!] [Illustration: THE RIGHT SORT. _Young Curate._--SINFUL TO HUNT? OH DEAR NO! I DO NOT HUNT NOW, BECAUSE CERTAIN MEMBERS OF MY FLOCK MIGHT TAKE EXCEPTION TO IT, AND THINK I NEGLECTED MY PARISH. _Miss Gallopade._--BUT, SUPPOSE THE HOUNDS WERE TO CROSS THIS LANE “FULL CRY,” COULD YOU WITHSTAND THE TEMPTATION? _Young C._--WELL, I’M AFRAID THEN MY CONSCIENCE WOULD NOT BE THE MOST FORMIDABLE OBSTACLE I SHOULD HAVE TO NEGOTIATE.] [Illustration: “A CHOPPY SEA.” _Seafaring Gent (who has been imbibing too freely of mixed “jumping powders”)._--AWFUL SHOPPY SHEE. MUSHT CLING TO MAIN-MASHT, OR WASHT OVERBOARDSHT. (_Next Page._)] [Illustration: _Having been obliged, owing to the violence of the storm, to relinquish his hold of the main-mast our sea-faring friend_ WAS _washed overboard, but rescued by Landlubbers, who conveyed him home in an Agricultural Cart, which he imagined was the life-boat, and tried to impress upon the driver that_ “VESHEL MUSHT BE SHAVED--VAL-BLE CARGO ABOARDSH. WHYSHNOT DISHPLAY SHIGNALS OF DISHTRESH?”] [Illustration: STILL IN THE SHAFTS. _Mr. Longfoot (to disagreeable friend, who has tried to destroy the reputation of his new Horse)._--YOU SAID HE WOULD NEVER MAKE A HUNTER, AND THAT HE WAS ONLY FIT FOR HARNESS. WHY, HE CARRIES ME SPLENDIDLY! _Disagreeable Friend._--YES, NO DOUBT HE CARRIES _you_ WELL; HE SEES THOSE FEET OF YOURS, AND THINKS HE’S STILL IN THE SHAFTS.] [Illustration: A VERY OLD AND CURIOUS VINTAGE. _First “Old Varmint.”_--THEY TELL ME YOU ARE THE OLDEST FOXHUNTER GOING? NOW, I DON’T THINK YOU ARE; I HAVE HUNTED WITH THE H---- SIXTY-FIVE YEARS. _Second Ditto._--WHAT VINTAGE ARE YOU? _First Ditto._--I WAS “SHIPPED” IN EIGHTEEN-FIFTEEN. _Second Ditto._--POOH! YOU’RE A MERE BOY. I WAS “BOTTLED” BEFORE EIGHTEEN-HUNDRED; AND IF HOUNDS WILL ONLY RUN TO-DAY YOU’LL FIND THERE’S SOME “BODY” IN ME YET.] [Illustration: EVERY MAN TO HIS TASTE. _Time--The very last day of the Season._ _The Honourable Joe._--WELL, JACK, IT’S ALL OVER NOW. WHAT SHALL YOU DO WITH YOURSELF UNTIL THE CUB-HUNTING COMES IN? I’M GOING TO GET MARRIED, YOU KNOW, AND I SHALL TRAVEL WITH MY WIFE. _Lord Jack._--YES, JOE; YOU ALWAYS WERE A SLOW GOING CHAP. NOW, _I_ SHALL BUY A COUPLE OF AWFULLY SMART TERRIERS, AND GO IN FOR RATTING IN LINCOLNSHIRE. THERE, WHAT DO YOU THINK O’ THAT?] [Illustration: AT LINCOLN APRIL FAIR. _Poor Little Gent (about to purchase “Screw”)._--BUT SURELY THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THOSE HOCK JOINTS--“CURBS,” ARE THEY NOT? _Dealer._--“CURBS?” LOR’ BLESS YER, NO! THERE’S WHERE _All_ ’IS JUMPING POWER IS--PROP-HELLERS, _I_ CALLS ’EM.] [Illustration: UP WITH THE YEOMANRY. _Trooper Stubbles (who has been repeatedly reprimanded by Officer for riding in advance and breaking the line)._--OI CAN’T HELP IT, SQUIRE. IT’S ALL TH’ HOULD MARE. HIVER SIN’ OI LENT ’ER TO A CHAP TO ROIDE AT TH’ EASTER MUNOOVERS, SHE’S BIN THAT HOWDACIOUS AN’ WALIANT OI CAN DO NOUGHT WITH ’ER. SHE WEANT PLOO, AN’ SHE KICKS T’ PIECES IVERY BLOOMING CART SHE’S PUT TO; AN’ NOO SHE WEANT DO SOLDIERING UNLESS SHE’S FUST. YER’LL ’AVE TO FOIND ME ANOTHER ’OSS BY REVIEW DAY, OR ELSE MAK’ A HOSSIFER ON ME.] [Illustration: THE REVIEW DAY. _Trooper Stubbles, as he appeared in the March Past before the Reviewing Officer._ _On his return home he described the exciting scene as follows_:--“TH’ WOR TH’ TROOP _fust_, A-GALLOPING LIKE MAD; TH’ HOULD MARE SECOND, A-KICKING LIKE BLAZES; AND THEN OI A-RUNNING AN’ A-HOLLERING HOOT FOR SOME UN TO KETCH ’ER; BUT THEY ONLY CALLED HOOT, ‘GO IT, STUBBLES! TAK YER SPURS OFF, AN’ YER’LL BE FUST YET.’”] [Illustration: “OH! WHAT A SWINDLE!” _Chorus of Nephews and Nieces (to Stout Party on her way to the Meet of the Coaching Club)._--OH, AUNTIE! YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO RIDE ASTRIDE, AND WE’VE ALL COME PURPOSELY TO SEE YOU.] [Illustration: MOST DISRESPECTFUL, AND _SO_ IRREVERENT, TOO! _Aristocratic Old Lady (who likes to make her own bargains)._--NO, HE WON’T DO, MR. HUGGINS; HE HAS SUCH VERY BAD ACTION--HE THROWS HIS FEET ABOUT SO. _Mr. Huggins (a dealer in “Screws”)._--BAD HACKSHON? THROWS HIS FEET ABOUT? _I_ CALL IT BEE-UTIFUL HACKSHON. HE GOES AS IF--(_waxes wrath as he sees the old lady won’t be done_)--AS IF HE DIDN’T CARE A ---- FOR YOU OR ANY OF YOUR RELATIONS. TAK’ ’IM IN, BILL; TH’ OLD GAL WANTS A HANGEL FROM ’EAVAN FOR A TEN-PUN NOTE, AN’ WEER TO FOINDE ’EM OI DON’T KNOW.] [Illustration] End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Horse Laughs, by Chas. H. Marshall *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42402 ***