Blottentots, and How to Make Them

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44898 *** Transcriber's Note: Inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in the original document have been preserved. Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. [Illustration] O, I AM PRINCE OF THE INKY IMPS AND KING OF THE BLOTTENTOT CREW; MY ANCESTREE HAS A PEDIGREE OF A ROYAL PURPLISH HUE. ONCE MY LOT WAS A DARK BLUE SPOT FLIPPED ON A MILK-WHITE SEA, A CREASE AND A FOLD--AND A BUCCANEER BOLD OUT JUMPED--AND THAT WAS ME! BLOTTENTOTS AND HOW TO MAKE THEM BY JOHN PROSPER CARMEL [Illustration: If you've never made a Blottentot This book will help you quite a lot!] PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY SAN FRANCISCO AND NEW YORK Copyright, 1907, by Paul Elder & Company. Entered at Stationers' Hall, London. These were made for Dymphna [Illustration] HOW TO MAKE BLOTTENTOTS To make a funny Blottentot, First take a piece of paper, Splash on some ink, a single spot, Crease, press, but cut no caper. Don't crease exactly at the blot-- You'll have a fearful muddle; Press gently, too, and not a lot, Unless you want a puddle. With everything we humans do, Practice makes us apter: So start at once, you'll find it true At the end of your first chapter. [Illustration] A FLIT-FLIT FLITTER In the realms of wonderland Such flies do gaily flitter, But when they're just a blot of ink Of course they cannot glitter. They flitter, flutter round about, These Flitter-Flitter-Flitters, O'er dewy flow'ry sunny meads, The lightest, brightest critters. [Illustration] A GOBBLE-ME-UP Weedy, greedy Gobble-Me-Up, Your mouth is a fearful size. Do you live on little girls and boys, Or merely cakes and pies? [Illustration] TWO BUCKING NIGHTMARES Two bucking nightmares ran out to neigh, Thinking it night, but found it day, So took to their heels in sore dismay,-- I'm 'fraid they still are running away. [Illustration] STRANGE BUT TRUE Now it seems to be scarcely credible, A difficult thing to think, That such a strange grotesquerie Was pressed from a drop of ink. But word for word I tell you, As true as word can be, That in its making there was naught But the blindest chancerie. [Illustration] LAW-MAKERS Tom and Johnny Make-the-law, Talkative and lazy, Standing on a Thingumajig Comical and crazy. You are just a pair of Imps, With but one leg that badly limps. [Illustration] MISTRESS NELL Gadzooks, Nell Gwynne! How did you get in? Did you walk or were you brought in your chair? Your dress is perfection To the smallest section Of stomacher, quilting and hair. [Illustration] A PROFESSIONAL TIFF Said Dr. Spindleshanks, "I'll stand no silly pranks!" "You're nothing but a prig!" Said Dr. Funnywig. Then, making each a face, They went off at a pace. [Illustration] SAFE AT A DISTANCE You big Bugaboo! We didn't want you, But really now that you've come, If you keep far away We'll permit you to stay, Just as long you keep quite dumb. [Illustration] TEENY AND TINY Teeny and Tiny Pugnoses Have discovered two beautiful roses, But the stems are so tall They can't reach them at all, Though they stand on the tips of their toeses. [Illustration] IMPISH You can see by the look of this big-footed Sprite, That just the one thing that affords him delight Is to give a high jump and land on your toe, On the very same spot where the biggest corns grow. [Illustration] A LITTLE GRASS MIDGET This is a little grass Midget, As you know a most terrible fidget. For a month every year He makes it quite clear That he is a little grass Midget. [Illustration] SIAMESE TWINS? I hope they're on pegs, Because if they're legs, They are altogether shocking. They have no feet, And almost meet, And haven't the sign of a stocking. [Illustration] A KANGAR-ROOSTER-ROO Why, here's our dear old hopper, Our Kangar-rooster-roo! And seeing he's such a whopper, I'll certainly not say "Shoo"! Then there are two, you see, So I'd better hold my peace, Or they may sit on me And leave me a crumpled crease. [Illustration] A SURPRISE A Squidgeecumsquee Got up in a tree, And found another-- The fac simile. "Oh dear! oh my!" He said jumping high, "It's surely my brother-- What a horrible guy!" [Illustration] CONSIDERATE "You jump over to me," said Sue. "I wish you would come to me," said Loo; "As sure as I jump I'll kick that stump, So really I'd rather let you." [Illustration] RISKY Now this is just the funniest rogue, A Brownie as black as ink, And what he's doing perched up there, I'm sure I cannot think. He's holding his arms like a pair of sails; Perhaps he's trying to fly. Let's hope he won't be playing that game When you and I pass by. [Illustration] DOGGEREL Here are the strangest pair of dogs, What sort I cannot tell, But judging by their noses sharp They have the sense of smell. Their tails are very, very long,-- But does it really matter? By the very way they stare and start They're mad as any hatter. [Illustration] A WARNING Are these Quumps or Zagabogs, Golliwogs or Quees? Anyhow, you'd best look out,-- They're just about to sneeze! [Illustration] THE LATEST DISCOVERY I've just discovered a marvelous way Of making these Blottentots mottled and gray; If you promise you never will show any one I'll tell you the secret of how it is done. Take two bottles of ink, one thick and one thin, Of different blacks, and dip your pen in; From each splash a drop at the very same spot, Then do as before, only pressing a lot. [Illustration] SORRY GRIGS What makes these little Grigs so sad? They're standing most dejected. Have they been up to something bad And in it got detected? [Illustration] LANKY DOODLE Lanky Doodle came to town Without his little pony, Stuck a feather in his hat With bits of macaroni. [Illustration] THE DANCE Jingle your bells and your tambourine For just such a dance as you never have seen; Such swishing of skirts, and glancing of feet, Such bowing and parting, then running to meet; So jingle your bells and your tambourine, And keep them a-dancing from morning till e'en. [Illustration] LOOK OUT FOR HIM! He's flying in the air, So you are safe and sound; But you had better skip When he lights upon the ground. [Illustration] MACBETH Act I, Scene I. "When shall we 'two' meet again-- In thunder, lightning, or in rain?" "When the hurly-burly's done, When the battle's lost and won." [Illustration] PERPLEXING A queer little wight, Very strangely dight, Looked so much like his brother, That, believe me, it's true, No one ever knew How to tell one from t'other. [Illustration] MERELY ACCIDENTAL Such angular shapes In such beautiful capes Are the silliest contradiction, But they simply "came," So I'm not to blame; With Blottentots there's no restriction. [Illustration] BIRDS OF A FEATHER "Now really it is shocking!" irately said Miss B, "To think that you are mocking and making fun of me. You have your wings and rufflings the very same as I, So you need not turn your nose up, with a twinkle in your eye." [Illustration] A DE-DUCK-TION Pluck A duck Of a wing. Alack! He'll quack, And not sing. [Illustration] AN OVERSIGHT Two Rabbits met and shook hands one day In the gravest possible kind of a way. But what was the cause of their serious mien From our picture is not very easily seen. They'd been jollier far if they'd stopped to sup The honeyed mead from the buttercup. [Illustration] QUITE THE THING Words fail To detail, I can only smile. Your salute Is cute And just perfect style. [Illustration] QUAINT AND QUEER Quaint and Queer, A funny pair, The funniest you could see, Met one day In a strange array, The strangest that could be. Each stood and stared As if he feared That he would get a poke; But laughed to find The other kind, And thought it all a joke. [Illustration] FINIS Before, I had some Cassowaries, Now I have two Dromedaries. So just to leave some shapes for you, I'll doff my cap and say adieu. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Blottentots and How to Make Them, by John Prosper Carmel *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44898 ***