A Little Book of Bores

The Project Gutenberg eBook, A Little Book of Bores, by Oliver Herford This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. Title: A Little Book of Bores Author: Oliver Herford Release Date: March 7, 2018 [eBook #56697] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 ***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES*** E-text prepared by Richard Tonsing, David Edwards, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (https://archive.org) Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 56697-h.htm or 56697-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/56697/56697-h/56697-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/56697/56697-h.zip) Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See https://archive.org/details/littlebookofbore00herfrich Transcriber’s note: Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES by OLIVER HERFORD [Illustration] London Gay and Hancock, Ltd. All Rights Reserved ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Illustration: 'A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES'] A is the Autograph Bore Whom Authors and Actors deplore, Tho’ it’s evident quite If the Dears ceased to write They’d deplore even more than before. [Illustration: A] B is a Bounder _blasé_ Who likes to appear quite _au fait_; He purses his lips As his Rhine wine he sips, Tho’ he doesn’t know Hock from Tokay. [Illustration: B] C’s a Critic. Far be it from me With a time-honoured craft to make free. All praise I accord _Good_ Critics—but lord! What a Bore a _bad_ Critic can be! [Illustration: C] D is a Decadent Dreary Whose Works are depressing and eerie; If you ask his excuse For existence, or use, I’m afraid I can’t answer your query. [Illustration: D] E is the Egotist dread Who, as some one has happily said, Will talk till he’s blue About _my_self, when you Want to talk about _your_self instead. [Illustration: E] F’s a Frankly Familiar Friend Who loves free advice to extend; He declares, for his part, He knows nothing of Art, But he thinks that your time you misspend. [Illustration: F] G is a Grumbler gruff Whom everything puts in a huff; If he chances to gain Heaven’s gate, he’ll complain Of his Halo or Harp, like enough. [Illustration: G] H is a Humorist glum. Why sits he so silent and dumb? He’s concocting some Gay Impromptu to say When the Opportune Moment shall come. [Illustration: H] I’s the Intensely Intense Who dilates on the _Whither_ and _Whence_, The _Ego_ (or “I”), And the _Wherefore_ and _Why_, Not to mention the _Hither_ and _Hence_. [Illustration: I] J is the “Johnnie”—a Thing Much affected by Fairies who sing. He is human in shape, With the brain of an ape, And generally tied to a string. [Illustration: J] K is the Kaiser unnerving, With the Terrible Moustache upcurving. One man who can bore A planet——and more Is surely of mention deserving. [Illustration: K] L’s the Loquacious variety, That is found in all sorts of society. He will drink in the sound Of his own voice—till drowned In a species of self-inebriety. [Illustration: L] M’s a Methodical Man Who prates with precision and plan. Beware, how you balk The stream of his talk, Lest he go back to where he began. [Illustration: M] N is a Newly-rich boor, Whom no one pretends to endure. Some cases with care And complete change of Heir Take three generations to cure. [Illustration: N] O is an Optimist glad Who doesn’t know how to be sad; If he wakes up some day In Hades, he’ll say, “Well, really it isn’t so bad.” [Illustration: O] P’s a Poetical bore Who recites his own things by the score. The ladies, poor dears, Are all moved to tears, While strong men are moved—to the door. [Illustration: P] Q is a Quoter who’ll cite His favourite authors all night. Tho’ teeming with Thought, Like the Moon he is naught But a second-hand dealer in Light. [Illustration: Q] R’s a Rampant Reformer whose prose Insures you a Health-giving doze. You wouldn’t much mind If he’d only be kind And _not_ slam the door when he goes. [Illustration: R] S is a Satirist rude Who subsists on Leguminous Food, Which he shyly maintains So enforces his brains, Even Shakespeare beside him seems crude. [Illustration: S] T is a Terrible Tot Who says things he’d much better not. A child of that age Should be kept in a cage, And fed—if at all—through a slot. [Illustration: T] U is the Unco Guid Man, And all his unspeakable clan, With their _Braw bonnie brae_, _Bide a wee, Scots wha hae_, _Aweel, Dinna ken_, and _Hoot man_. [Illustration: U] V is a Vain Virtuoso. If you ask, “Pray what makes your hair grow so; Do you think it a sign Of Genius divine?” He replies, “I don’t think so, I _know_ so.” [Illustration: V] W’s a Well-informed Wight Who aims to set every one right; If you chance to misspell Or misquote, he will swell With holy and chastened Delight. [Illustration: W] X is Old Xmas, a dear Old Impostor who comes once a year, With wassail, and wishes, And death-dealing dishes, And chilblains, and chimes, and good cheer. [Illustration: X] Y is a Yodler whose yell Wakes the echo in mountain or fell. “Poor Echo!” I say, “To be wakened each day By a sound like a Feline unwell.” [Illustration: Y] Z is a Zealot whose zeal Takes the form of an “_Urgent appeal_.” Tho’ you wriggle and squirm And protest—he sits firm, Till he lands you at last like an eel. [Illustration: Z] RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED, BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND BUNGAY, SUFFOLK. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ _By OLIVER HERFORD_ ARTFUL ANTICKS By OLIVER HERFORD. Illustrations on every page, attractively bound in cloth, 8 by 6¼ in., pp. 112, 2_s._ ⁂ Humorous verses and illustrations about Animals. _Queen_—“This is one of the most delightfully whimsical collections of sketches with both pen and pencil which are always so dear to the hearts of children. Mr. Herford’s rhymes are full of that simple fun which it requires no effort to appreciate, and many of them are irresistibly ridiculous; while his graceful sketches show a high sense of genuine humour.” THE BOLD BAD BUTTERFLY Crown 8vo., with over 100 humorous illustrations, 2_s._ LONDON: GAY AND HANCOCK, LTD. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Transcriber’s note: 1. Moved advertisement from p. 2 to end. 2. Silently corrected typographical errors. 3. Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. ***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES*** ******* This file should be named 56697-0.txt or 56697-0.zip ******* This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/5/6/6/9/56697 Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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